Only one DREAM bit... I am trying to put my left contact lens in, but it wouldn’t fit. I look at it and it resembled a lens from a pair of sunglasses, except it’s made of a thin, light, sand-coloured metal with a little bit of contour lines or design on it. It looks as if the arm that it used to have was made of the same piece of metal but had broken off, and a little stub of it is still attached but had been flattened down. There is a young female presence nearby, but she seems too hostile to be a friend...
DREAMWORK:
Another dream of inserting metal into a specific part of my body... this time about ‘seeing’... the visual aid, or help, I need to see with – my contact lens – would not fit, because it’s actually the wrong size, the wrong kind, AND opaque – so TOTALLY wrong for me: I’m trying to see in a way that’s totally wrong. People, humankind – my perception does not fit reality. The lens was ‘flesh’ coloured, not ‘sand’. Oh. Certainly my view on the subject of the worthiness of our exploding species is very personal and biased – ‘contact’ lens.
Now the question that begs to be asked is, what’s the worst that could happen if I do not hate humankind... Well, it is certainly easier for me to hate than to love. Hate is just hate, with love you always risk pain and loss, and worst of all, with love comes responsibility, at least it does to me. I’ve the feeling now that there are 3 things, or perhaps perspectives, that are ‘wrong’, so 2 more...
If I poke behind this hatred I can sense immediately the guilt and shame I feel, from being one of the culprits who have caused so much destruction, suffering and blatant injustice to the rest of the planet, for I have certainly done my share of reckless consuming, polluting, endangering and killing in my time on this earth. I am as guilty as the person next to me.
The last thing to come was, if I can’t love my own kind, I could never love myself. It just couldn’t happen. This is the broken off stub of the arm of the glasses; my misconception has rendered me dysfunctional, and it is the feeling function that has been sacrificed.
I ask my body now, what I ought to do with this knot that I seem to be reluctant to undo, I am so used to holding this familiar hatred, this misanthropy, around myself like a shield, so I don’t have to feel the pain of confusion and the shame of remorse. These risks that have to be taken before I could face loving again.
Release the guilt and the shame, as well as the overblown sense of responsibility, my body tells me. It is not for me to be responsible for the life and death of any creature, for everything lives and dies according to divine will, just as it should be. It is my own ego inflation which took on the unnecessary burden of guilt like a torchsong, instead of doing what I can to redress the wrongs and move on.
The energy of Metal is the strength I need, the backbone, the courage, to open myself up to the risk of loving and to be loved, to risk the possibility of disappointment, betrayal and loss, again and again if need be, to not be shut down by fear and anger and hatred again. ‘Mettle’ – to take heart, to have the courage to carry on – exactly what I’ve given up on. It does take so much more to stay open, to keep on feeling. But I must admit, opening to love is a better option than closing off feelings, if one plans to continue living.
It is near darkness now, but I can see a bird just landed by the water’s edge. I don’t think it’s a seagull though. I ask the bird if it had anything to tell me. Yes – you are special. And before I could ask anything else, it quacked once – a lone duck! And flew west. I feel compelled to say ‘you are special, too’ to the duck, because I know that he is reminding me of something I know to be true, that we are each one that’s created, special, that we are our own unique signature, and more care has been put into making us that way than we can imagine. So who am I to belittle the impetus of creation??! If I were the Creator, would I want anyone, least of all my beloved ‘babies’ to spurn or slight my effort, my love that I’ve put into the process, simply because they are one of many?!! I know from my own experience making art that every criticism and careless remark uttered against something I’ve created hurt to the bone, no matter how brave the face smiles. I’ve been ungrateful.
Courage, my love.
No comments:
Post a Comment