Only one DREAM bit... I am trying to put my left contact lens in, but it wouldn’t fit. I look at it and it resembled a lens from a pair of sunglasses, except it’s made of a thin, light, sand-coloured metal with a little bit of contour lines or design on it. It looks as if the arm that it used to have was made of the same piece of metal but had broken off, and a little stub of it is still attached but had been flattened down. There is a young female presence nearby, but she seems too hostile to be a friend...
DREAMWORK:
Another dream of inserting metal into a specific part of my body... this time about ‘seeing’... the visual aid, or help, I need to see with – my contact lens – would not fit, because it’s actually the wrong size, the wrong kind, AND opaque – so TOTALLY wrong for me: I’m trying to see in a way that’s totally wrong. People, humankind – my perception does not fit reality. The lens was ‘flesh’ coloured, not ‘sand’. Oh. Certainly my view on the subject of the worthiness of our exploding species is very personal and biased – ‘contact’ lens.
Now the question that begs to be asked is, what’s the worst that could happen if I do not hate humankind... Well, it is certainly easier for me to hate than to love. Hate is just hate, with love you always risk pain and loss, and worst of all, with love comes responsibility, at least it does to me. I’ve the feeling now that there are 3 things, or perhaps perspectives, that are ‘wrong’, so 2 more...
If I poke behind this hatred I can sense immediately the guilt and shame I feel, from being one of the culprits who have caused so much destruction, suffering and blatant injustice to the rest of the planet, for I have certainly done my share of reckless consuming, polluting, endangering and killing in my time on this earth. I am as guilty as the person next to me.
The last thing to come was, if I can’t love my own kind, I could never love myself. It just couldn’t happen. This is the broken off stub of the arm of the glasses; my misconception has rendered me dysfunctional, and it is the feeling function that has been sacrificed.
I ask my body now, what I ought to do with this knot that I seem to be reluctant to undo, I am so used to holding this familiar hatred, this misanthropy, around myself like a shield, so I don’t have to feel the pain of confusion and the shame of remorse. These risks that have to be taken before I could face loving again.
Release the guilt and the shame, as well as the overblown sense of responsibility, my body tells me. It is not for me to be responsible for the life and death of any creature, for everything lives and dies according to divine will, just as it should be. It is my own ego inflation which took on the unnecessary burden of guilt like a torchsong, instead of doing what I can to redress the wrongs and move on.
The energy of Metal is the strength I need, the backbone, the courage, to open myself up to the risk of loving and to be loved, to risk the possibility of disappointment, betrayal and loss, again and again if need be, to not be shut down by fear and anger and hatred again. ‘Mettle’ – to take heart, to have the courage to carry on – exactly what I’ve given up on. It does take so much more to stay open, to keep on feeling. But I must admit, opening to love is a better option than closing off feelings, if one plans to continue living.
It is near darkness now, but I can see a bird just landed by the water’s edge. I don’t think it’s a seagull though. I ask the bird if it had anything to tell me. Yes – you are special. And before I could ask anything else, it quacked once – a lone duck! And flew west. I feel compelled to say ‘you are special, too’ to the duck, because I know that he is reminding me of something I know to be true, that we are each one that’s created, special, that we are our own unique signature, and more care has been put into making us that way than we can imagine. So who am I to belittle the impetus of creation??! If I were the Creator, would I want anyone, least of all my beloved ‘babies’ to spurn or slight my effort, my love that I’ve put into the process, simply because they are one of many?!! I know from my own experience making art that every criticism and careless remark uttered against something I’ve created hurt to the bone, no matter how brave the face smiles. I’ve been ungrateful.
Courage, my love.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tenerife, Circle Shine, & Metal Healing
These dream bits are from Monday, July 26...
The words ‘tenerife’ and ‘circle shine’ came to me... separately.
Then at one point I was carefully plucking out 2-inch long needles that were inserted in a tight, neat column under each of my arms, as well as on either side of my lumbar spine, each column about 8-10 inches long. The needles were thicker than a sewing or normal syringe needle and contoured, but there was no pain or discomfort. I noticed some of the needles I pulled out had a little bit of yellowish crust on the ends, as if there was a bit of infection and the serous fluid had dried or crystallized.
The last bit is quite vague now, but I think I was in charge of something or some younger people and they had gone upstairs. I was finishing up one floor below and then dragging an aluminum folding ladder upstairs... there was also a $10 bill which I thought was my sister’s and I was taking it to her but turned out to be someone else’s...
__________
DREAMWORK:
Tenerife (Island of Eternal Spring, a busy Spanish resort town and one of the 7 Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean, nearest to Morocco, Africa. Checked it out online and it seems a tropical island paradise, well, subtropical. Other than that, I’ve no idea what it means in my dream, or my life. Hmmm...
‘Circle shine’... Michael says it’s like a descriptive name made up by a child, for say, the moon...
The rest of the work, or at least part of it, came later in the day when I went down to the lake...
__________
Had a hefty conversation with my body down by the water this evening... haven’t felt settled within myself the last few days to really connect, glad to be back... 3 things came...
First, ‘boundary’... maybe, it is not so much that I need to have boundaries, healthy or otherwise, but that I ought to hold my place ‘on’ it. Maya Lin described it quite eloquently: ‘I feel I exist on the boundaries, somewhere between science and art, art and architecture, public and private, east and west. I am always trying to find a balance between these opposing forces, finding the place where opposites meet.’
Somehow, in my own way, I need to exist in the balance of forces from both sides, move with the boundary as it shifts, because so far in my life I have found that precarious sliver of space to be where meaning exists. And in spite of the tension, the ambiguity, the controversy that are native to this in-between place, I have to find my piece of the ground. I am afraid, because of its ring of truth when I dare myself to say it, that that’s where I belong.
Second, from last night’s dream... ‘circle shine’ = full moon. A literal description of something using shape, colour, texture, quality to make up a name. it makes one look and think of the subject in a new way, that instead of seeing a full moon in your mind immediately when you read or hear the words ‘full moon’, you read or hear ‘circle shine’, and you see a circle and that it’s shining. Two steps to arrive at the image of what we named the full moon.
There is a subtle but distinctively different ‘flavour’ that seems to animate words we have come to know so well, too well, and have lost the freshness of perception on first encountering understanding and meaning. Perhaps this is what poets do, this breaking apart of names and labels and wholesale notions, toss them up in the air and piece them back together in a new way that makes you re-member what they look like, smell like, feel like, and taste like – in the first place.
Last piece, the next part of the dream about the needles... it sounds rather kooky to me but here it is... it is telling me that I need the energy of the Metal element (as in TCM), interesting that this is a Metal year, which indicates a lung weakness (maybe why I sometimes wake up with a rattly feeling from accumulated phlegm at the lower end of my throat, for no apparent reason)... and as I recently found out, my Secret Animal (who I truly am inside) is the Metal Horse (free spirited, untamed, unencumbered, the closest equivalent is Gemini), which I feel at this time to be my creativity, is yet to express itself like a horse set free... but the metal energy I need is from manganese and gold, why? I don’t know. I need them in the energetic form of homeopathic remedies: Manganese 200C once a week for 2 weeks, and Aurum C4 once, by placing the tubes along the same places as the needles in my dream – under the arms and on either side of the lumber spine. Do this after my period is over.
Found this on the web: “Metal represents a time of inner reflection and meditation, when one can draw in and store the essential energies that are useful.”
Well, this is the phase I am in, but the dream shows the removal of the metal needles or pins. So does that mean this phase is coming to an end for me, and the next phase is about work – Metal Horse thrives on work, not play – calm, quiet, orderly work...? I don’t know what the underarm areas signify without having to look it up, but the lumbar area is about financial burden and support. So the needles are coming out of those areas, after a time of retreat and healing (of inflammations deep down), and I am ready to move onward, renewed and reconfigured.
But why were the needles shaped like fat pins with a graceful curve in the shafts, and why were they placed one after the other in a tight column??
The shape is very feminine, and Metal is considered an yin energy – nutritive, supportive, restorative, loving and accepting. And I just found out that sides of the body is about one’s sense of safety in the world – is the world a dangerous place, or is it like home where one safely navigates and belongs? Definitely a problem area that needs nurturing for me.
What I am pondering is why there seems to be a contradiction or duality between the physical removal of the metal and my body needing the metaphysical metal energy... ah, the metal pins drew out the inflammation, the toxic – the yellow crusties, but as they have already been in my body, in a very concentrated form – the tight placement of the pins, in very specific areas (foundational support – the lower back; fear/safety in the world – sides of the torso/chest) – all clearly and vividly shown to me in the dream, so as to leave no doubt what this healing is about, and how it was manifested.
The perfectly aligned pins are also about Connection. As I dreamed of the element of Metal, I became deeply connected to it and healed by it, just as when I dreamed of Fire during my retreat at the fire. The unconscious has been brought into connection with the conscious, and healing is possible. That means I have yet to connect to Earth, Water and Air (or Wind).
The words ‘tenerife’ and ‘circle shine’ came to me... separately.
Then at one point I was carefully plucking out 2-inch long needles that were inserted in a tight, neat column under each of my arms, as well as on either side of my lumbar spine, each column about 8-10 inches long. The needles were thicker than a sewing or normal syringe needle and contoured, but there was no pain or discomfort. I noticed some of the needles I pulled out had a little bit of yellowish crust on the ends, as if there was a bit of infection and the serous fluid had dried or crystallized.
The last bit is quite vague now, but I think I was in charge of something or some younger people and they had gone upstairs. I was finishing up one floor below and then dragging an aluminum folding ladder upstairs... there was also a $10 bill which I thought was my sister’s and I was taking it to her but turned out to be someone else’s...
__________
DREAMWORK:
Tenerife (Island of Eternal Spring, a busy Spanish resort town and one of the 7 Canary Islands in the Atlantic Ocean, nearest to Morocco, Africa. Checked it out online and it seems a tropical island paradise, well, subtropical. Other than that, I’ve no idea what it means in my dream, or my life. Hmmm...
‘Circle shine’... Michael says it’s like a descriptive name made up by a child, for say, the moon...
The rest of the work, or at least part of it, came later in the day when I went down to the lake...
__________
Had a hefty conversation with my body down by the water this evening... haven’t felt settled within myself the last few days to really connect, glad to be back... 3 things came...
First, ‘boundary’... maybe, it is not so much that I need to have boundaries, healthy or otherwise, but that I ought to hold my place ‘on’ it. Maya Lin described it quite eloquently: ‘I feel I exist on the boundaries, somewhere between science and art, art and architecture, public and private, east and west. I am always trying to find a balance between these opposing forces, finding the place where opposites meet.’
Somehow, in my own way, I need to exist in the balance of forces from both sides, move with the boundary as it shifts, because so far in my life I have found that precarious sliver of space to be where meaning exists. And in spite of the tension, the ambiguity, the controversy that are native to this in-between place, I have to find my piece of the ground. I am afraid, because of its ring of truth when I dare myself to say it, that that’s where I belong.
Second, from last night’s dream... ‘circle shine’ = full moon. A literal description of something using shape, colour, texture, quality to make up a name. it makes one look and think of the subject in a new way, that instead of seeing a full moon in your mind immediately when you read or hear the words ‘full moon’, you read or hear ‘circle shine’, and you see a circle and that it’s shining. Two steps to arrive at the image of what we named the full moon.
There is a subtle but distinctively different ‘flavour’ that seems to animate words we have come to know so well, too well, and have lost the freshness of perception on first encountering understanding and meaning. Perhaps this is what poets do, this breaking apart of names and labels and wholesale notions, toss them up in the air and piece them back together in a new way that makes you re-member what they look like, smell like, feel like, and taste like – in the first place.
Last piece, the next part of the dream about the needles... it sounds rather kooky to me but here it is... it is telling me that I need the energy of the Metal element (as in TCM), interesting that this is a Metal year, which indicates a lung weakness (maybe why I sometimes wake up with a rattly feeling from accumulated phlegm at the lower end of my throat, for no apparent reason)... and as I recently found out, my Secret Animal (who I truly am inside) is the Metal Horse (free spirited, untamed, unencumbered, the closest equivalent is Gemini), which I feel at this time to be my creativity, is yet to express itself like a horse set free... but the metal energy I need is from manganese and gold, why? I don’t know. I need them in the energetic form of homeopathic remedies: Manganese 200C once a week for 2 weeks, and Aurum C4 once, by placing the tubes along the same places as the needles in my dream – under the arms and on either side of the lumber spine. Do this after my period is over.
Found this on the web: “Metal represents a time of inner reflection and meditation, when one can draw in and store the essential energies that are useful.”
Well, this is the phase I am in, but the dream shows the removal of the metal needles or pins. So does that mean this phase is coming to an end for me, and the next phase is about work – Metal Horse thrives on work, not play – calm, quiet, orderly work...? I don’t know what the underarm areas signify without having to look it up, but the lumbar area is about financial burden and support. So the needles are coming out of those areas, after a time of retreat and healing (of inflammations deep down), and I am ready to move onward, renewed and reconfigured.
But why were the needles shaped like fat pins with a graceful curve in the shafts, and why were they placed one after the other in a tight column??
The shape is very feminine, and Metal is considered an yin energy – nutritive, supportive, restorative, loving and accepting. And I just found out that sides of the body is about one’s sense of safety in the world – is the world a dangerous place, or is it like home where one safely navigates and belongs? Definitely a problem area that needs nurturing for me.
What I am pondering is why there seems to be a contradiction or duality between the physical removal of the metal and my body needing the metaphysical metal energy... ah, the metal pins drew out the inflammation, the toxic – the yellow crusties, but as they have already been in my body, in a very concentrated form – the tight placement of the pins, in very specific areas (foundational support – the lower back; fear/safety in the world – sides of the torso/chest) – all clearly and vividly shown to me in the dream, so as to leave no doubt what this healing is about, and how it was manifested.
The perfectly aligned pins are also about Connection. As I dreamed of the element of Metal, I became deeply connected to it and healed by it, just as when I dreamed of Fire during my retreat at the fire. The unconscious has been brought into connection with the conscious, and healing is possible. That means I have yet to connect to Earth, Water and Air (or Wind).
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Big Leap... into Creative Life
Dream bits:
I am part of a crowd standing close together, though there seems to be only one person in front of me and one behind. The person in front of me is right at the edge of a precipice, though I do not know what’s over the edge I was nervous. There is no railing or ledge, just open space. The person behind me is a man and he is pressed against me. I wanted him to be gone from behind me, so I could back up I guess...
I am working in a small office or store and there are very few people there. One employee, a friendly middle-aged white man came out from the back because he’s leaving to go home. He brings his dog out and is getting him ready. I was surprised that I had forgotten that he brings his dog to work and leaves him in the back room. The dog seems calm and well but I felt bad that he’s cooped up the whole time. The dog has short reddish hair with long ears and looks docile.
DREAMWORK:
Whatever the leap is, I am afraid to take it, even though I’m not even the one at the edge... yet... but I am only one person – one step – away from it. The future is unknown, except that there is risk. I am already panicking and want to have a way out.
This is yet another ‘crowd’ or ‘group’ dream, which begs the question: WHY DO I KEEP HAVING DREAMS WHERE I AM PART OF A GROUP OR A CROWD, when in waking life I am anything but? These dreams are telling me that I’m not alone...
This dream is showing me where I stand, very close to the big leap, which I suppose I’ve been moving towards to all along, and I’m scared now that I can see the edge, even the requisite ‘fire exit’ is blocked, though only one person deep so I could, if I really wanted to, get past it. I thought perhaps this person is a support for me, but no, he is motivation, pushing me forward when it becomes necessary. He is my drive.
This leap is about me diving into the future unknown, in spite of all my fears... is there trust or faith in this dream somewhere...? All of a sudden I have an image of landing on the backs of the people who’ve jumped before me... how lovely, and how generous and kind life is (even though it may not always seem that way). I am grateful, and I will be glad to be of service when someone else needs a back to land on. This also answers my question above, nicely ☺
More often than not, I am not aware of the interconnectivity and interdependence that holds me in the web of life. Being so used to believing that I have to ‘figure’ things out for myself, I’ve painted myself as the solitary traveler, secluded in my own head, my cranium the walls of my fortress, even though I KNOW the greatest danger is from within – my own demons, doubts, fears... another piece of my ego to surrender.
Though I know it to be true, in my body, this connection to the collective – my group – is yet to become a conscious feeling for me. Even in my dreams it is below the radar.
Now the other dream bit... my ‘working’ life... another repeating theme as of late...
The red dog is my creative instinct and potential, which is still in incubation at the moment – kept in the back room all day and not physically active. But he is cared for and loved by his keeper, the benign father figure, who provides and protects him. In the dream I am concerned – I am my ego in my dreams, sometimes an objective observer, sometimes the phobic agony aunt – though the dog seemed to be content and healthy. I believe he – creativity – ought to be free and running and doing stuff, because then I can see he is happy, and I suppose, performing as he/it should.
It’s so easy to lose sight of that which I need the most – STILLNESS.
I am part of a crowd standing close together, though there seems to be only one person in front of me and one behind. The person in front of me is right at the edge of a precipice, though I do not know what’s over the edge I was nervous. There is no railing or ledge, just open space. The person behind me is a man and he is pressed against me. I wanted him to be gone from behind me, so I could back up I guess...
I am working in a small office or store and there are very few people there. One employee, a friendly middle-aged white man came out from the back because he’s leaving to go home. He brings his dog out and is getting him ready. I was surprised that I had forgotten that he brings his dog to work and leaves him in the back room. The dog seems calm and well but I felt bad that he’s cooped up the whole time. The dog has short reddish hair with long ears and looks docile.
DREAMWORK:
Whatever the leap is, I am afraid to take it, even though I’m not even the one at the edge... yet... but I am only one person – one step – away from it. The future is unknown, except that there is risk. I am already panicking and want to have a way out.
This is yet another ‘crowd’ or ‘group’ dream, which begs the question: WHY DO I KEEP HAVING DREAMS WHERE I AM PART OF A GROUP OR A CROWD, when in waking life I am anything but? These dreams are telling me that I’m not alone...
This dream is showing me where I stand, very close to the big leap, which I suppose I’ve been moving towards to all along, and I’m scared now that I can see the edge, even the requisite ‘fire exit’ is blocked, though only one person deep so I could, if I really wanted to, get past it. I thought perhaps this person is a support for me, but no, he is motivation, pushing me forward when it becomes necessary. He is my drive.
This leap is about me diving into the future unknown, in spite of all my fears... is there trust or faith in this dream somewhere...? All of a sudden I have an image of landing on the backs of the people who’ve jumped before me... how lovely, and how generous and kind life is (even though it may not always seem that way). I am grateful, and I will be glad to be of service when someone else needs a back to land on. This also answers my question above, nicely ☺
More often than not, I am not aware of the interconnectivity and interdependence that holds me in the web of life. Being so used to believing that I have to ‘figure’ things out for myself, I’ve painted myself as the solitary traveler, secluded in my own head, my cranium the walls of my fortress, even though I KNOW the greatest danger is from within – my own demons, doubts, fears... another piece of my ego to surrender.
Though I know it to be true, in my body, this connection to the collective – my group – is yet to become a conscious feeling for me. Even in my dreams it is below the radar.
Now the other dream bit... my ‘working’ life... another repeating theme as of late...
The red dog is my creative instinct and potential, which is still in incubation at the moment – kept in the back room all day and not physically active. But he is cared for and loved by his keeper, the benign father figure, who provides and protects him. In the dream I am concerned – I am my ego in my dreams, sometimes an objective observer, sometimes the phobic agony aunt – though the dog seemed to be content and healthy. I believe he – creativity – ought to be free and running and doing stuff, because then I can see he is happy, and I suppose, performing as he/it should.
It’s so easy to lose sight of that which I need the most – STILLNESS.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Another Amorous Dream...
This dream was actually from Tues., July 20, but didn't work on it until today...
I am one of a pack of young people in their late teens or early 20s. Not sure if it was indoor or not, but it was dark as if it’s night time, some lights were on (single bulbs or oil lamps) but not brightly lit. I was ‘paired’ up with a guy and we behaved as teenaged couples do, affectionate, playful. Strong attraction but not intense or heavy. We kept trying to get ‘into’ it but something always interrupts. There was another pair like us. Both guys were honey-blonds.
Then we decided to go out as a group. I said I would take the dog. It was night outside. I am strolling along alone. Everyone else seemed to be ahead. My sister suddenly ran back to me and said to hurry up. I refused to, and continued at my own pace. My belly seemed to be sticking out a bit in front of me, but I had no conscious thought that I was pregnant.
Even though it was dark I could see that this was not a modern or high-tech urban centre of a town, more rural or from a less built-up country or from decades ago. For one thing I don’t think the roads were paved. I crossed the street into the market which was covered overhead. It was like a huge tent divided up into rooms – I think of a warren – and not much space anywhere. Not so much crowded but intimate. A woman darted out in front of me and very excitedly tried to warned me about some danger. It took me a while to understand her, but it was about the 3 feathers (they were feather-like but quite wisy, not much substance to them) I had hanging on the front of my clothing. She didn’t want me to accidently set myself on fire by touching the feathers to this tangle of superheated copper pipes 2 or 3 feet away, half-hidden by the tent flaps. So I turned away from it and after a few steps I chucked the feathers quite unceremoniously on the floor and kept walking.
Eventually I met up with a few of my group – 3 guys I think – they were sitting down at some tables as if waiting for food or drinks. Can’t remember if my guy was one of them, I don’t think so. One guy asked me about something someone did, and I replied, ‘it was Gerry, wasn’t it?’
There was a feeling throughout, sometimes not conscious (can you be ‘conscious’ in a dream?), of wanting to be with my loverboy, though without anguish or apparent urgency, but he kept eluding me.
DREAMWORK:
Why DO I keep having amorous dreams? Checking with my body... because they are representations of the process of retrieving and healing the parts of my own masculine that I’ve lost over the years – soul retrieval journeys through dreams. How beautiful is that!
My amour in these dreams have mostly been young man around 20, slender, lithe, normal looking, often light brown skinned but sometimes white, as this last one was, with honey-blond hair. They are always gentle, tender and poised. Never anxious or aggressive. Sometimes they are intense in their energy, usually it is in their longing. The longing is always in me, though occasionally, like this last one, it was mild and lighter to bear.
I guess the question is why is he so elusive that I could not hold onto him very long? There is no doubt we belonged together, yet it falls short of physical intimacy and consummation, unlike a couple of amorous dreams I had a few weeks ago, though the men in those were a bit older, in their 20s. Perhaps I am working regressively... approaching the more emotionally difficult years of my teens. I do now want whole-heartedly to embrace my teenaged masculine self, and I hope he will come to me soon to stay. I know that he will and that it is only a matter of time when I am ready. The lack of anxiety and comfort in going at my own pace reflect how I feel about this in my waking life. Although I travelled around mostly on my own in the dream, I never felt lost or cut off. The sense of belonging to the group and my lover was always with me. I think I am getting closer to the light.
The 3 feather-like ephemera I wore on the front of my shirt or dress intrigue me. They are 3 things I hold as my standard of beauty that have little substance and can be of great danger to me. One has to do with what is beautiful in body image. This is a tough one for women today, and I’m no exception. Another one has to do with the beauty of performance, the final production or product, how success is presented in our world. Again, I am deep in that program. Hmmm... we seem to be within the theme of the Enneagram Type 3 – the Performer – so far... And yes, it is also within this personality type that the third ‘feather’ and potential hazard is about the standard of beauty for love, how love should look and be represented. The archetypal white knight in shining armour, handsome, gallant, adoring (of the princess), replete with power, status and money, completely devoted to caring and satisfying her every need, and most important of all, be the mirror on the wall that reflects and reassures her of her own beauty ALL the time. Right, my narcissism, more of a type 7 problem than type 3 because our skins are thicker.
Well I certainly see now why I so unceremoniously chucked them on the ground and walked away without a backward glance! I commit myself right now to letting go of these 3 delusions of myself, making space for true love, intimacy and trust with myself. All of me is going through a huge transition and transformation, body, mind, heart and spirit, there’s no longer a template that is true or applicable for any of those parts of myself while I am scrambled and descrambled. So chuck ‘em, and start over.
In the dream I may have been pregnant with my lover’s child, perhaps that’s the source of the contentment? I am assured that all is not lost, that when we are re-united there will be cause for celebration and new birth.
I am one of a pack of young people in their late teens or early 20s. Not sure if it was indoor or not, but it was dark as if it’s night time, some lights were on (single bulbs or oil lamps) but not brightly lit. I was ‘paired’ up with a guy and we behaved as teenaged couples do, affectionate, playful. Strong attraction but not intense or heavy. We kept trying to get ‘into’ it but something always interrupts. There was another pair like us. Both guys were honey-blonds.
Then we decided to go out as a group. I said I would take the dog. It was night outside. I am strolling along alone. Everyone else seemed to be ahead. My sister suddenly ran back to me and said to hurry up. I refused to, and continued at my own pace. My belly seemed to be sticking out a bit in front of me, but I had no conscious thought that I was pregnant.
Even though it was dark I could see that this was not a modern or high-tech urban centre of a town, more rural or from a less built-up country or from decades ago. For one thing I don’t think the roads were paved. I crossed the street into the market which was covered overhead. It was like a huge tent divided up into rooms – I think of a warren – and not much space anywhere. Not so much crowded but intimate. A woman darted out in front of me and very excitedly tried to warned me about some danger. It took me a while to understand her, but it was about the 3 feathers (they were feather-like but quite wisy, not much substance to them) I had hanging on the front of my clothing. She didn’t want me to accidently set myself on fire by touching the feathers to this tangle of superheated copper pipes 2 or 3 feet away, half-hidden by the tent flaps. So I turned away from it and after a few steps I chucked the feathers quite unceremoniously on the floor and kept walking.
Eventually I met up with a few of my group – 3 guys I think – they were sitting down at some tables as if waiting for food or drinks. Can’t remember if my guy was one of them, I don’t think so. One guy asked me about something someone did, and I replied, ‘it was Gerry, wasn’t it?’
There was a feeling throughout, sometimes not conscious (can you be ‘conscious’ in a dream?), of wanting to be with my loverboy, though without anguish or apparent urgency, but he kept eluding me.
DREAMWORK:
Why DO I keep having amorous dreams? Checking with my body... because they are representations of the process of retrieving and healing the parts of my own masculine that I’ve lost over the years – soul retrieval journeys through dreams. How beautiful is that!
My amour in these dreams have mostly been young man around 20, slender, lithe, normal looking, often light brown skinned but sometimes white, as this last one was, with honey-blond hair. They are always gentle, tender and poised. Never anxious or aggressive. Sometimes they are intense in their energy, usually it is in their longing. The longing is always in me, though occasionally, like this last one, it was mild and lighter to bear.
I guess the question is why is he so elusive that I could not hold onto him very long? There is no doubt we belonged together, yet it falls short of physical intimacy and consummation, unlike a couple of amorous dreams I had a few weeks ago, though the men in those were a bit older, in their 20s. Perhaps I am working regressively... approaching the more emotionally difficult years of my teens. I do now want whole-heartedly to embrace my teenaged masculine self, and I hope he will come to me soon to stay. I know that he will and that it is only a matter of time when I am ready. The lack of anxiety and comfort in going at my own pace reflect how I feel about this in my waking life. Although I travelled around mostly on my own in the dream, I never felt lost or cut off. The sense of belonging to the group and my lover was always with me. I think I am getting closer to the light.
The 3 feather-like ephemera I wore on the front of my shirt or dress intrigue me. They are 3 things I hold as my standard of beauty that have little substance and can be of great danger to me. One has to do with what is beautiful in body image. This is a tough one for women today, and I’m no exception. Another one has to do with the beauty of performance, the final production or product, how success is presented in our world. Again, I am deep in that program. Hmmm... we seem to be within the theme of the Enneagram Type 3 – the Performer – so far... And yes, it is also within this personality type that the third ‘feather’ and potential hazard is about the standard of beauty for love, how love should look and be represented. The archetypal white knight in shining armour, handsome, gallant, adoring (of the princess), replete with power, status and money, completely devoted to caring and satisfying her every need, and most important of all, be the mirror on the wall that reflects and reassures her of her own beauty ALL the time. Right, my narcissism, more of a type 7 problem than type 3 because our skins are thicker.
Well I certainly see now why I so unceremoniously chucked them on the ground and walked away without a backward glance! I commit myself right now to letting go of these 3 delusions of myself, making space for true love, intimacy and trust with myself. All of me is going through a huge transition and transformation, body, mind, heart and spirit, there’s no longer a template that is true or applicable for any of those parts of myself while I am scrambled and descrambled. So chuck ‘em, and start over.
In the dream I may have been pregnant with my lover’s child, perhaps that’s the source of the contentment? I am assured that all is not lost, that when we are re-united there will be cause for celebration and new birth.
This Old House (Me!)
DREAM bit that I was in a huge room, like a big warehouse but well-lit with a very high ceiling (a recurring theme). I think it was a place the equivalent of Loblaws, where I used to work until 6 weeks ago, and I was just about to leave. The part I remember I was talking to a woman who is working there but I think on the renovation (interesting, the store is probably in the midst of renovation in real life, I forgot until now). I am going through some stuff put away in this large area on shelves that they want out of the way, but people could go and claim what’s theirs if they still want it. There were aisles and aisles of it. I am talking to the woman and going through stuff at the same time, as if to update her or pass on the information because I’m leaving the store for good. There was an old-fashioned tin with a few little items in it, which I put back. Then I picked up a draw-string pouch and pulled out articles of clothing, one after another continuously. I am amazed now how many things I pulled out from such a small pouch, which was no bigger than my hand. I draped each article over my left arm as I pulled them out, as I was taking them with me. I remember recognizing them but had forgotten about them. I had another dream not long ago with this same theme of finding put away but forgotten items at another place where I used to work.
DREAMWORK:
Hmmm... There must be something I’ve forgotten and left behind – something valuable to me still – from my working life, that I keep revisiting in these dreams... something to do with responsibility, because I was always leaving last-minute (literally) instructions with a successor. My body tells me that the second part is wrong, it’s not only about responsibility but also, legacy, what I’ve left behind. Hmmm!
This information is still coming from the collective unconscious (the big building with lots of people), though the imagery and lessons are for me personally.
Renovation – the excavation and overhaul I’ve been doing with myself the last couple of years, more intensely the last 6 months or so since I ended my healing practice and entered into a kind of personal retreat. So, even though I’ve left the work force, the work is goes on in the form of renovation.
Legacy – some of the legacy (the tin) I left behind was still good but no use to me anymore – so some things I’ve come away with from my time there will still benefit others – hmmm, so this ‘legacy’ is not just what I leave behind me, but also what I’ve learned or earned from my time at work, something I can take with me as I leave. Like a keepsake or souvenir but more valuable, a gift from my labour. In this dream this gift is old clothing I’ve worn, roles or personae I’ve tried on and experimented with, they have brought me to where I am today. Attached to these roles are responsibilities that went with each, expectations and standards that were upheld, and it is time I reclaim them so I can let them go. Because no one else can dispose of them but me, in the way that it honours their service and expresses my gratitude. In this case I will be throwing the baby out with the bath water – the old roles as well as the responsibilities and expectations. These are also what the tension in my upper chest is about.
I am also grateful to know that a little bit of what I’ve left behind will be of use for others, and for my dreams which not only teach and heal me, but gently reminds me of the phase I am in - renovation - whenever I start to beat up on myself with responsibilities and expectations I no longer need.
DREAMWORK:
Hmmm... There must be something I’ve forgotten and left behind – something valuable to me still – from my working life, that I keep revisiting in these dreams... something to do with responsibility, because I was always leaving last-minute (literally) instructions with a successor. My body tells me that the second part is wrong, it’s not only about responsibility but also, legacy, what I’ve left behind. Hmmm!
This information is still coming from the collective unconscious (the big building with lots of people), though the imagery and lessons are for me personally.
Renovation – the excavation and overhaul I’ve been doing with myself the last couple of years, more intensely the last 6 months or so since I ended my healing practice and entered into a kind of personal retreat. So, even though I’ve left the work force, the work is goes on in the form of renovation.
Legacy – some of the legacy (the tin) I left behind was still good but no use to me anymore – so some things I’ve come away with from my time there will still benefit others – hmmm, so this ‘legacy’ is not just what I leave behind me, but also what I’ve learned or earned from my time at work, something I can take with me as I leave. Like a keepsake or souvenir but more valuable, a gift from my labour. In this dream this gift is old clothing I’ve worn, roles or personae I’ve tried on and experimented with, they have brought me to where I am today. Attached to these roles are responsibilities that went with each, expectations and standards that were upheld, and it is time I reclaim them so I can let them go. Because no one else can dispose of them but me, in the way that it honours their service and expresses my gratitude. In this case I will be throwing the baby out with the bath water – the old roles as well as the responsibilities and expectations. These are also what the tension in my upper chest is about.
I am also grateful to know that a little bit of what I’ve left behind will be of use for others, and for my dreams which not only teach and heal me, but gently reminds me of the phase I am in - renovation - whenever I start to beat up on myself with responsibilities and expectations I no longer need.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Meeting My Muses
Only bits of images from my dream last night...
A girl had decorated the rafters of a big barn-like structure with stalks of deep blue flowers of a few different kinds - by tucking them between the central beam and the roof – it was breathtakingly beautiful... then in a room with a lower ceiling (like a basement) a girl was taking a cake from a window sill where there were 5 or 6 cakes just sitting out in the open without cover – they were the big rectangular kind made for parties, already iced – it was big and heavy and she just barely lifted it – while doing that she flipped one over on its side but miraculously it didn’t get damaged... then I was in a room with 3 other girls and I was waiting for an opportunity to ask one of them to cut my hair...
All the girls/women in the dream, including me, were in their 20s. The overall feeling was a carefree and peaceful kind of joy and contentment, whatever they were doing. As if everything was charmed yet ordinary-everyday at the same time. It certainly wasn’t utopia, but there was an easy flow to everything. I was the only one who worried, about the uncovered cakes, about them falling off, about asking for a haircut... even though I was ‘one of them’ I was also a newbie who had just come on to the scene.
DREAMWORK:
Possibly these young women are my muses... they are grounded, carefree, not too high, not too low, just comfortable and natural in being themselves, and they seemed at ease with their environment and their own creations.
The stalks of flowers were clusters like a wheatsheaf, not single blooms – to me the form is a blend of masculine and feminine, that it’s a flower but in a tree shape. Indigo is the colour of the brow chakra, where we ‘see’ the big picture, something I resonate very much with and yearn for. All of these elements being beautifully arranged at the highest point of the building (my Self) I see as the thing I am aspiring to the most these days, and hopefully an omen or an indication that it is attainable to me. I remember the feeling in the dream that I wished I could make something so beautiful too. In fact, after I woke up and tried to recall the dream, I fantasized making an art installation in that kind of a big airy space with beautiful plants that hang from the ceiling in long braided tendrils down to people level, filling the whole room with that kind of hanging garden magic... like an enchanted forest or meadow but growing from the sky towards the earth... perhaps that is the direction I am to take, downwards to earth...
The basement scene is more in the unconscious, though the window was above ground level and let in sunlight. There are both conscious and unconscious material here, and right off the bat I can say that the cakes are stuff of the unconscious for I do not yet have a sense what they are. Well, let’s do a little diggin... the cakes were made and ready to be used for any celebratory event at any time, just choose one and personalize it with a bit of decorative writing... and the intention seemed to be that they will be used soon so they don’t need to be covered or stored... I’m checking with my body as I go for the truthfulness of these ‘interpretations’ cuz my head just doesn’t ‘know’ what to think... so far so good... they are substantial cakes so I take that to mean that these celebrations are meaningful events, and the young woman, my muse or the part of myself that will handle the celebration, is able to handle it even though I am worried about it. It is about handling success, and I consciously admit that I do not know how I will handle that, or if I will be able to. Hopefully I will, as she did in the dream, but definitely there’s work there I need to do now. I guess the successes or celebrations will not all be the conventional sort, as the one cake that got tipped seemed to indicate, but it will not come to harm. Of course that was why I felt anxious and insecure in the dreams, that I feared it will turn on me.
I was happy and content to be part of the group of women in the last part of the dream, but having a bit of anticipatory anxiety while waiting for an opportunity to voice my desire for a ‘professional’ haircut from one of the three muses, to make me beautiful. I knew that all three are equally good. I need to just come out and ask for the help I want from my muses, and not let any of my fearful concerns get in the way. I didn’t even know I was afraid to ask until now.
There’s something bigger-than-life about the 3 muses, and I suppose muse energy must be, but it is also true that I make myself smaller than I need to be – something else to work on...
In real life I am in need of a haircut badly, my hair has become a bit of a wild monster that’s quite untameable, and I’ve decided to get it cut tomorrow. What I want is something that works with the nature of my hair, is mostly care (maintenance) free, and of course looks good yet still expresses my individuality – very much like how the muses are.
A girl had decorated the rafters of a big barn-like structure with stalks of deep blue flowers of a few different kinds - by tucking them between the central beam and the roof – it was breathtakingly beautiful... then in a room with a lower ceiling (like a basement) a girl was taking a cake from a window sill where there were 5 or 6 cakes just sitting out in the open without cover – they were the big rectangular kind made for parties, already iced – it was big and heavy and she just barely lifted it – while doing that she flipped one over on its side but miraculously it didn’t get damaged... then I was in a room with 3 other girls and I was waiting for an opportunity to ask one of them to cut my hair...
All the girls/women in the dream, including me, were in their 20s. The overall feeling was a carefree and peaceful kind of joy and contentment, whatever they were doing. As if everything was charmed yet ordinary-everyday at the same time. It certainly wasn’t utopia, but there was an easy flow to everything. I was the only one who worried, about the uncovered cakes, about them falling off, about asking for a haircut... even though I was ‘one of them’ I was also a newbie who had just come on to the scene.
DREAMWORK:
Possibly these young women are my muses... they are grounded, carefree, not too high, not too low, just comfortable and natural in being themselves, and they seemed at ease with their environment and their own creations.
The stalks of flowers were clusters like a wheatsheaf, not single blooms – to me the form is a blend of masculine and feminine, that it’s a flower but in a tree shape. Indigo is the colour of the brow chakra, where we ‘see’ the big picture, something I resonate very much with and yearn for. All of these elements being beautifully arranged at the highest point of the building (my Self) I see as the thing I am aspiring to the most these days, and hopefully an omen or an indication that it is attainable to me. I remember the feeling in the dream that I wished I could make something so beautiful too. In fact, after I woke up and tried to recall the dream, I fantasized making an art installation in that kind of a big airy space with beautiful plants that hang from the ceiling in long braided tendrils down to people level, filling the whole room with that kind of hanging garden magic... like an enchanted forest or meadow but growing from the sky towards the earth... perhaps that is the direction I am to take, downwards to earth...
The basement scene is more in the unconscious, though the window was above ground level and let in sunlight. There are both conscious and unconscious material here, and right off the bat I can say that the cakes are stuff of the unconscious for I do not yet have a sense what they are. Well, let’s do a little diggin... the cakes were made and ready to be used for any celebratory event at any time, just choose one and personalize it with a bit of decorative writing... and the intention seemed to be that they will be used soon so they don’t need to be covered or stored... I’m checking with my body as I go for the truthfulness of these ‘interpretations’ cuz my head just doesn’t ‘know’ what to think... so far so good... they are substantial cakes so I take that to mean that these celebrations are meaningful events, and the young woman, my muse or the part of myself that will handle the celebration, is able to handle it even though I am worried about it. It is about handling success, and I consciously admit that I do not know how I will handle that, or if I will be able to. Hopefully I will, as she did in the dream, but definitely there’s work there I need to do now. I guess the successes or celebrations will not all be the conventional sort, as the one cake that got tipped seemed to indicate, but it will not come to harm. Of course that was why I felt anxious and insecure in the dreams, that I feared it will turn on me.
I was happy and content to be part of the group of women in the last part of the dream, but having a bit of anticipatory anxiety while waiting for an opportunity to voice my desire for a ‘professional’ haircut from one of the three muses, to make me beautiful. I knew that all three are equally good. I need to just come out and ask for the help I want from my muses, and not let any of my fearful concerns get in the way. I didn’t even know I was afraid to ask until now.
There’s something bigger-than-life about the 3 muses, and I suppose muse energy must be, but it is also true that I make myself smaller than I need to be – something else to work on...
In real life I am in need of a haircut badly, my hair has become a bit of a wild monster that’s quite untameable, and I’ve decided to get it cut tomorrow. What I want is something that works with the nature of my hair, is mostly care (maintenance) free, and of course looks good yet still expresses my individuality – very much like how the muses are.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
4 Packages of Chocolates, 5 Pianos, one Hotel
I dreamed that I am in a, of course, building, a multi-level hotel/conference or events hall. The part I remembered is at the hall where many tables have been set up in rows, and I have a space amongst some people I came with, my sister and her husband were there. We had ‘collected’ samples or gifts or material for the event as a pile on our table spaces, each one with their own pile. I looked at mine and said, hey my dark chocolates are missing. My brother-in-law (I think that’s who he was) said my sister had taken them. I said there should be 4 packages, since we had gotten one each morning and one each afternoon for 2 days.
Then I went toward the hotel room areas upstairs, on the way by I saw 5 upright pianos stacked one on top of the other against a wall. They were not identical and made a tall column that I remember looking up and marvelling at. I went to the room(s) but can’t remember what happened there...
When I came back to our table I saw 2 packages of chocolates on the top of my pile, and my sister was there. I knew my brother-in-law must have told her what I said and she gave them back to me, though only half of them.
DREAMWORK:
First of all, I am still dreaming about buildings... as I say that, it occurs to me that I am INSIDE the building, so I take that to mean I’m still working on my ‘inside’, as opposed to my stuff in the outside world, outside of myself.
The rest came to me while I was down by the lake:
I am still a student, a novice, a traveler on her journey, along with everyone in my collective, we are all there to get something we need and seek. There was a sense of anticipation and gratification that we got something, a small pile of ‘material’ in front of each of us, though we knew there was more to come. My sister, my feminine, has taken 4 packs of my chocolates, because it is generally known that chocolates are not my thing, though it is NOT generally known that DARK chocolates are a secret passion for me. So she took them assuming I wouldn’t want them anyway. But this ‘secret’ knowledge was relayed through her husband, the masculine, so she returned them to me, but only half of the 4. There are 4 parts to my ‘secret’ or ‘hidden’ passions, 2 of them I have come to know: healing and writing, the other 2 are yet to be revealed. I guess when I’m ready, when I need to know.
On my way to the place of rest for travelers (hotel rooms) upstairs (especially for overused and overburdened hearts and minds), I was drawn to look at the bizarre spectacle (pay attention!) of the 5 stacked pianos. I had a feeling of awe when I saw them, though not the mind-blowing WOW kind. I looked at it quite closely though briefly, as I remember seeing the little marks on the wood, that they are used, not new, though in good shape and had a good feeling about them. These, my body tells me (for my mind had no idea to offer about this at all), are 5 pieces of music that will be of importance to me, on my journey. They are already written and exist, but not known to me. They will come to me and I have only to wait. They are related to the musical pieces that came to me during my 2-day stay at the Fire, the ones I called ‘Healing Pieces’.
Then I went toward the hotel room areas upstairs, on the way by I saw 5 upright pianos stacked one on top of the other against a wall. They were not identical and made a tall column that I remember looking up and marvelling at. I went to the room(s) but can’t remember what happened there...
When I came back to our table I saw 2 packages of chocolates on the top of my pile, and my sister was there. I knew my brother-in-law must have told her what I said and she gave them back to me, though only half of them.
DREAMWORK:
First of all, I am still dreaming about buildings... as I say that, it occurs to me that I am INSIDE the building, so I take that to mean I’m still working on my ‘inside’, as opposed to my stuff in the outside world, outside of myself.
The rest came to me while I was down by the lake:
I am still a student, a novice, a traveler on her journey, along with everyone in my collective, we are all there to get something we need and seek. There was a sense of anticipation and gratification that we got something, a small pile of ‘material’ in front of each of us, though we knew there was more to come. My sister, my feminine, has taken 4 packs of my chocolates, because it is generally known that chocolates are not my thing, though it is NOT generally known that DARK chocolates are a secret passion for me. So she took them assuming I wouldn’t want them anyway. But this ‘secret’ knowledge was relayed through her husband, the masculine, so she returned them to me, but only half of the 4. There are 4 parts to my ‘secret’ or ‘hidden’ passions, 2 of them I have come to know: healing and writing, the other 2 are yet to be revealed. I guess when I’m ready, when I need to know.
On my way to the place of rest for travelers (hotel rooms) upstairs (especially for overused and overburdened hearts and minds), I was drawn to look at the bizarre spectacle (pay attention!) of the 5 stacked pianos. I had a feeling of awe when I saw them, though not the mind-blowing WOW kind. I looked at it quite closely though briefly, as I remember seeing the little marks on the wood, that they are used, not new, though in good shape and had a good feeling about them. These, my body tells me (for my mind had no idea to offer about this at all), are 5 pieces of music that will be of importance to me, on my journey. They are already written and exist, but not known to me. They will come to me and I have only to wait. They are related to the musical pieces that came to me during my 2-day stay at the Fire, the ones I called ‘Healing Pieces’.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Ground Beef , Earthly Body
Didn’t sleep well due to an attack of the spousal snores, so dream recall was all messed up... only memory is a sense of inferiority, that I don’t measure up, that I don’t count as much, that I don’t deserve as much, that I’m too slow, too weak, too timid...
While still in the twilight of my mind, my body told me that I ought to get up and continue where I left off yesterday with the food issue. (also need to work on why I keep having amorous dreams, and my feeling of inferiority having to do with my separateness)
So, the cooked ground beef not on a plate from yesterday... lots of cheap and cheerful food to feed the masses... it’s nothing fancy but can satisfy the majority of palates... my palate is a bit different though... is that why I suddenly had the idea a few days ago to make a stirfry with ground beef, which is not the usual stirfry ingredient? It turned out to be to my liking as I had a feeling it would... is this about trying things that I normally wouldn’t’ even think of because of preconceived beliefs (that stirfrys are made with ‘whole’ meats)? Hmmmm, ground meat is pre-broken down into smaller units... are these all different layers of meaning that I need to discern? Yes.
Ok, ground beef – coarser, more down-to-earth, no-nonsense and simple nourishment for the body (material plane) – what I need after a fairly steady diet of ‘higher’ food for the mind and spirit, which isn’t a bad thing but for my tendency to neglect the earthly body. Even though I am much better with body care than I used to be, my focus and energy go mostly to the emotional and above still. I need to be more engaged with my body and the earth and the material, this I’ve known for some time, but how to make it happen? Ask my body to help me. Aside from lying on the ground more, going down to the lake and walking around the parkland, I am also learning and appreciating more the works of artists who work with elements of nature (Maya Lin, and Andy Goldsworthy, see photo above), I am caring for my plants and feel quite a bit of affection for them (this coming from someone who killed plants for decades), my retreat out on the land at the Fire (and river, rain, sun, storm, thunder, wind, plants, animals... I will be posting about this experience soon on my other blog: http://resonatetohealing.blogspot.com/), but more is needed...
Yoga nidra is lying on the ground! I could learn it and do it out in the park or on the beach! **order CD today.
Something else: a session of shamanic doctoring with Jeannette, and tell her I need to be on the ground.
Another thing: this has come up before... Zen, the kind that Natalie Goldberg practices – look it up.
One more: Travel abroad – the opportunity will come to me for the end of the year – wait for it – it’ll be a kind of pilgrimage.
While still in the twilight of my mind, my body told me that I ought to get up and continue where I left off yesterday with the food issue. (also need to work on why I keep having amorous dreams, and my feeling of inferiority having to do with my separateness)
So, the cooked ground beef not on a plate from yesterday... lots of cheap and cheerful food to feed the masses... it’s nothing fancy but can satisfy the majority of palates... my palate is a bit different though... is that why I suddenly had the idea a few days ago to make a stirfry with ground beef, which is not the usual stirfry ingredient? It turned out to be to my liking as I had a feeling it would... is this about trying things that I normally wouldn’t’ even think of because of preconceived beliefs (that stirfrys are made with ‘whole’ meats)? Hmmmm, ground meat is pre-broken down into smaller units... are these all different layers of meaning that I need to discern? Yes.
Ok, ground beef – coarser, more down-to-earth, no-nonsense and simple nourishment for the body (material plane) – what I need after a fairly steady diet of ‘higher’ food for the mind and spirit, which isn’t a bad thing but for my tendency to neglect the earthly body. Even though I am much better with body care than I used to be, my focus and energy go mostly to the emotional and above still. I need to be more engaged with my body and the earth and the material, this I’ve known for some time, but how to make it happen? Ask my body to help me. Aside from lying on the ground more, going down to the lake and walking around the parkland, I am also learning and appreciating more the works of artists who work with elements of nature (Maya Lin, and Andy Goldsworthy, see photo above), I am caring for my plants and feel quite a bit of affection for them (this coming from someone who killed plants for decades), my retreat out on the land at the Fire (and river, rain, sun, storm, thunder, wind, plants, animals... I will be posting about this experience soon on my other blog: http://resonatetohealing.blogspot.com/), but more is needed...Yoga nidra is lying on the ground! I could learn it and do it out in the park or on the beach! **order CD today.
Something else: a session of shamanic doctoring with Jeannette, and tell her I need to be on the ground.
Another thing: this has come up before... Zen, the kind that Natalie Goldberg practices – look it up.
One more: Travel abroad – the opportunity will come to me for the end of the year – wait for it – it’ll be a kind of pilgrimage.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Masculine Meets Feminine, in Advertising Agency
I’ve created a new blog last night called LAST NIGHT I DREAMED... meaning to start each blog with ‘Last night I dreamed...’ It is of course a dream blog site to record my dreams and dreamwork from here on, though I will begin with the dream I had on Saturday, July 10...
I am working in an ad agency or an art department. It is one big room with a high ceiling, well-lit, filled with long folding work tables in various configurations. Lots of people, but my corner is fairly unpopulated and quiet. I am new to the place, just transferred here.
I am talking with a financial investor, man in his 30’s, he tells me I have over $200K in investments. I think to myself, that isn’t much. He is talking about giving away some kind of carjack as an incentive to clients. The carjacks have a special feature of some kind, but I didn’t really get what it was. I said, what about some bath stuff, something pretty? Thinking, for women, of course.
Then I was packing up to leave, a female colleague asked if I want to have the bath on Monday or Thursday. This is something we had discussed about previously. I said Monday, but as soon as I said it I knew it should be Thursday. So I said, let me ask my body, which said Thursday.
As I headed for the door I heard Nancie, who was working in the busy crowded corner, saying that she has a meeting with Gary, but he’s late. I came out into the hallway and there’s Gary with his co-worker, a big guy in a soiled white shirt undone half way. It’s one of those hippie shirts with a rope closure that crisscrosses. He’s balding and unkempt. Gary gave me a hug and a peck (in real life he has an aloof and uppity front) and I decided I would help get them settled inside. We went back in and I took them to the back section where it’s less busy, but there was food all over the tables, and a couple of people were eating lunch. I started to wipe the tables down but some of the food – cooked ground beef – was sitting directly on the table without any plate underneath. I pushed it to the left and wiped at the same time, in long vertical strokes, but there seemed to be a lot of it.
There was a vague undercurrent of alertness throughout the dream, reminiscent of the state I was in when in a workplace, though in its mild form.
_______________
DREAMWORK (down by the boardwalk):
The setting is the great working collective – spacious and informal – no pyramidal heirarchy here, just people focused on their work. It is work in advertising/marketing/communication, which I’ve grown bitter and disenchanted about from the years I spent in it, but I sense now there’s another side to it – a positive spin. It can be used, just as anything (even atrocities) can be used, to serve the greater good. Advertising can be used as a vehicle for a message, and like a live wire, it can reach so many in so little time. It is just another way of melding energy with a certain intention. This realization lifts off layers of heavy taint of negative association I’ve accumulated.
In the dream I am working in the corner ‘less occupied’, no surprise there. My ‘preoccupation’ though, is still with my finacial situation. My male investor/client seemed to think I have enough, but I secretly disagree. He wanted to entice the masculine with a novel tool for “doing”; I wanted to attract the feminine, with nurture and self love. Though of course, both are needed. I need to give more energy and focus to matters of a practical nature, such as finances, with resources I know I can find, as well love and care, instead of avoiding it as I have most of my life, out of fear and worry. I will be able to open to new ways of seeing, reacting and meeting financial and business matters, for a change, and a new way to prosper.
Nancie is a popular, proud young woman who is driven to succeed. She usually attracts and commands quite a following. She likes to be in charge and has a lot of potential, but I’ve always felt that there’s a fairly significant imbalance, or something missing in her. She covers it up well with a lot of busyness and talk, but the edges of anxiety and insecurity show. In the dream Gary is the masculine coming to meet her – ah, he’s the missing part – he’s a little late according to her, though he’s really just outside the door. But she’s too busy to go and look for him anyway.
Unlike his real life self and my real life self, Gary gave me a hug and a kiss as if we’re old friends, for we are in fact old friends, as intimate as the masculine and feminine are entwined within one person. We are open to each other at this point in my life, and willing to meet (in an agency, a connecting place, a collective with a common goal) to communicate, work out a creative solution, and get our message, our creative expression, out there into the world.
The older, less-than-well-kept co-worker that Gary brought along for support out of his own insecurity to handle the meeting alone. This man is what Gary will be like in a few years if he doesn’t work on his arrogance and the fears under it – he and Nancie, and of course, me the dreamer, are all quite arrogant and we wear it like a badge – humbled and decrepit and indifferent. I can tell this is part of my Shadow, from the twinges of reluctance in me to look at this character in the dream, and the resistance of my unconscious to pull back the information that’s forthcoming, as if it’s afraid to let it out into the light, or doesn’t want me to know. It’s one of my greatest fears that I’ll end up a failure of a person when I’m old, and can only look back on a life wasted, unable to even care about myself. This of course is the shadow side of my pride, manifested as arrogance to keep my ego boosted.
I welcomed them, for I do want to work on those issues, and tried to make space for them, but my issue with food and eating and deprivation, that whole ball of wax is still in the way. Though the problem (beef) has been minced (ground) and cooked and no longer even contained (no plate or bowl), just lying out in the open, I’ve yet to resolve it.
But out of my anxiety I just tried to push it to the side (left side, the unconscious), though it was difficult because it wasn’t contained. The two people eating lunch? That means I’m still ‘at’ it.
I see, my dreams (at least this one) are like a nightly recap of current events in my waking and unconscious life. Everything that's cooking, coming to a boil or still raw, takes its turn at getting my attention.
I am working in an ad agency or an art department. It is one big room with a high ceiling, well-lit, filled with long folding work tables in various configurations. Lots of people, but my corner is fairly unpopulated and quiet. I am new to the place, just transferred here.
I am talking with a financial investor, man in his 30’s, he tells me I have over $200K in investments. I think to myself, that isn’t much. He is talking about giving away some kind of carjack as an incentive to clients. The carjacks have a special feature of some kind, but I didn’t really get what it was. I said, what about some bath stuff, something pretty? Thinking, for women, of course.
Then I was packing up to leave, a female colleague asked if I want to have the bath on Monday or Thursday. This is something we had discussed about previously. I said Monday, but as soon as I said it I knew it should be Thursday. So I said, let me ask my body, which said Thursday.
As I headed for the door I heard Nancie, who was working in the busy crowded corner, saying that she has a meeting with Gary, but he’s late. I came out into the hallway and there’s Gary with his co-worker, a big guy in a soiled white shirt undone half way. It’s one of those hippie shirts with a rope closure that crisscrosses. He’s balding and unkempt. Gary gave me a hug and a peck (in real life he has an aloof and uppity front) and I decided I would help get them settled inside. We went back in and I took them to the back section where it’s less busy, but there was food all over the tables, and a couple of people were eating lunch. I started to wipe the tables down but some of the food – cooked ground beef – was sitting directly on the table without any plate underneath. I pushed it to the left and wiped at the same time, in long vertical strokes, but there seemed to be a lot of it.
There was a vague undercurrent of alertness throughout the dream, reminiscent of the state I was in when in a workplace, though in its mild form.
_______________
DREAMWORK (down by the boardwalk):
The setting is the great working collective – spacious and informal – no pyramidal heirarchy here, just people focused on their work. It is work in advertising/marketing/communication, which I’ve grown bitter and disenchanted about from the years I spent in it, but I sense now there’s another side to it – a positive spin. It can be used, just as anything (even atrocities) can be used, to serve the greater good. Advertising can be used as a vehicle for a message, and like a live wire, it can reach so many in so little time. It is just another way of melding energy with a certain intention. This realization lifts off layers of heavy taint of negative association I’ve accumulated.
In the dream I am working in the corner ‘less occupied’, no surprise there. My ‘preoccupation’ though, is still with my finacial situation. My male investor/client seemed to think I have enough, but I secretly disagree. He wanted to entice the masculine with a novel tool for “doing”; I wanted to attract the feminine, with nurture and self love. Though of course, both are needed. I need to give more energy and focus to matters of a practical nature, such as finances, with resources I know I can find, as well love and care, instead of avoiding it as I have most of my life, out of fear and worry. I will be able to open to new ways of seeing, reacting and meeting financial and business matters, for a change, and a new way to prosper.
Nancie is a popular, proud young woman who is driven to succeed. She usually attracts and commands quite a following. She likes to be in charge and has a lot of potential, but I’ve always felt that there’s a fairly significant imbalance, or something missing in her. She covers it up well with a lot of busyness and talk, but the edges of anxiety and insecurity show. In the dream Gary is the masculine coming to meet her – ah, he’s the missing part – he’s a little late according to her, though he’s really just outside the door. But she’s too busy to go and look for him anyway.
Unlike his real life self and my real life self, Gary gave me a hug and a kiss as if we’re old friends, for we are in fact old friends, as intimate as the masculine and feminine are entwined within one person. We are open to each other at this point in my life, and willing to meet (in an agency, a connecting place, a collective with a common goal) to communicate, work out a creative solution, and get our message, our creative expression, out there into the world.
The older, less-than-well-kept co-worker that Gary brought along for support out of his own insecurity to handle the meeting alone. This man is what Gary will be like in a few years if he doesn’t work on his arrogance and the fears under it – he and Nancie, and of course, me the dreamer, are all quite arrogant and we wear it like a badge – humbled and decrepit and indifferent. I can tell this is part of my Shadow, from the twinges of reluctance in me to look at this character in the dream, and the resistance of my unconscious to pull back the information that’s forthcoming, as if it’s afraid to let it out into the light, or doesn’t want me to know. It’s one of my greatest fears that I’ll end up a failure of a person when I’m old, and can only look back on a life wasted, unable to even care about myself. This of course is the shadow side of my pride, manifested as arrogance to keep my ego boosted.
I welcomed them, for I do want to work on those issues, and tried to make space for them, but my issue with food and eating and deprivation, that whole ball of wax is still in the way. Though the problem (beef) has been minced (ground) and cooked and no longer even contained (no plate or bowl), just lying out in the open, I’ve yet to resolve it.
But out of my anxiety I just tried to push it to the side (left side, the unconscious), though it was difficult because it wasn’t contained. The two people eating lunch? That means I’m still ‘at’ it.
I see, my dreams (at least this one) are like a nightly recap of current events in my waking and unconscious life. Everything that's cooking, coming to a boil or still raw, takes its turn at getting my attention.
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