DREAM: that I was teaching 4 ‘small’ courses (compared to some other guy who was teaching one ‘big’ course) and received in the mail an accordion-fold business card (I think I was hoping it was money) which listed the courses along with my info, but the folds did not match where the blocks of type began or ended...
DREAMWORK:
The accordion-fold, the printed piece, and the business card are recurrent images in my dreams... they are the various personas I am trying on to appear as a legitimate, accomplished, successful and recognized professional.
I am still trying to conform to societal expectations and standards, and I do not feel that I measure up. I am still equating achievement with financial reward. The message is:
What I think I want to be is not in line with who I really am.
I have to give it all up – fears, compensations, ego and all – empty myself of all previous programming and trappings of status quo, be still and quiet, and let the divine fill me up.
Give up trying to be a writer or healer or artist even; give up trying to steer this ship; give up trying to get answers – and just be.
I think I’m just getting an inkling, of how hard this is to do (or, not do) – to be Empty. Open. Still.
_____________
Saturday, September 25, 2010 – first night of the Ghost Dance
DREAM: that I had to pee, so I went into a public washroom which was laid out like a grid of squares, 5 by 5 or 5 by 6. Each square looked like a thin book with a cover printed in yellow and orange. You lift up the square and there’s a vary narrow (1/2” or less) long funnel underneath, pointing up. You sit down on the funnel so it goes up inside the vagina (even though that’s not anatomically the right passage for urination!) and you let go. I was just about to do that when another girl charged into the room and took right over. I could do nothing except let her finish first. When I finally went I wasn’t really sure if I had actually excreted because I couldn’t really feel it with the apparatus inside of me. So I assumed I did and got up. Then I saw that there was a few traces of blood, probably from my period. Somehow a part of my purse strap was there and got slightly soiled by the blood. I left it there but thought I would clean my white leather purse later.
DREAMWORK:
Another menstrual dream... And another dream with ‘pretty’ printed pieces... image, appearance, allure... this time like a cookie cutter... conformity and uniformity, be like everyone else, so as to be accepted by everyone else. But these prettily ambitious (yellow/orange) ‘covers’ cannot disguise my need for an outlet, this time to express my creativity.
I was just about to ‘conform’ to the proscribed and accepted way of doing things, when my shadow sister barged in to tell me there’s some hidden agenda here. She was aggressive, abrupt, and self-absorbed, and that’s how I am when I allow ambition to drive me. I self-righteously railroad anyone and anything in my way. I’ve never seen myself in this light before, having believed my self-image of a shrinking violet all of my life.
The inverted funnel is an apparatus of man-made manipulation, designed to make me think I’ve expressed myself ‘properly’, that this is the right outlet for me, when I couldn’t even feel it. But I bought into it anyway. Like sheep.
To my surprise, there was menstrual blood – stuff of unborn dreams, unrealized potential, unrequited passion – flowing out of my womb, the feminine vessel of creativity. There was only traces, so not much has been wasted... yet.
The purse, I suddenly see now, is an externalized womb, containing what’s essential to me, what I need to go out into the world with. It is white because it is the sacred vessel of a woman’s life force. The strap is my ‘handle’ to who and what I am, and I’m leaving it behind as unnecessary. But I will clean off the vestige of the previously unmanifest and begin anew.
I had brought my wish to be deeply grounded and present in my body, connected to the earth and the physical plane, and fully manifest my true, creative Self to the Ghost Dance, so that I could ask my ancestors for help with being and becoming what I am meant to be in this life. In answer to that, this dream is telling me to let go of all that's preconceived and unconceived, keep myself as a vessel clean, unencumbered, and sacred for manifestation to come.
The healing of my feminine continues...
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