I am in a queue for a bus. The corral was a big zig-zagging of gradually inclining concrete path with metal railing. It is an interior space but well lit. There were 3 people ahead of me, a woman, then in front of her a couple. Everyone is around 30, including me. The couple stopped, as if they were discussing which way to go, so the woman ahead of me walked past them. I followed suit. Now we are at the front of the line. Then we had to make a decision, because the ‘path’ ended at another path which went north or south, right or left – it is no longer a ‘mono-path’. I knew that north is 3rd Line, and south is 7th Avenue, in between the 2 is Richmond (I assume, Richmond Hill). We didn’t know which way to go.
DREAMWORK:
In my 30s I did have a big decision to make about which way to go, though at that time circumstances, namely my illness, was very much the compelling force that drove me in the direction I finally went. The 2 options were: Life, or Death. The person I am now would scoff and say, well of course, what kind of question is that??! But the person, or the wreck that I was had to seriously ponder that question, barely alive was I. Living had become synonymous with pain so it was not at all clear to me why I should choose life. But something in me knew, a tiny spark in the ashes...
So I have been guided since then, along this ‘mono-path’ which is one of healing, from the inside out. The path was well-made by others before me, easy to follow and travel, brightly lit and safe, with only a gentle incline. All I had to do was keep myself going. And now I’ve come to another fork in the road, which appears to be 2 opposing directions yet again. I am following my shadow, the woman ahead of me, and she leads me past ‘relationships’ (the couple in front). A small knot of fear begins to converge in my belly, because I think I know what this means, that I have to put my personal relationships behind this calling ahead of me, whatever it may be. It is true I have always put my relationships, especially with my love/life mate, before everything else, although I was not conscious of that until this moment. I would have denied it actually, had anyone asked me, even to myself. So I see where this fear is from. Nevertheless, I know that I must go. The question is, which way?
The answer that comes, surprisingly, also not surprisingly, is neither of the 2. Instead, I have to find a way to get to Richmond Hill, the place in the middle that has yet no path I can see. I have to find the Middle Way. I knew this, of course, amongst the thousand things that I think I ‘know’. But the time has come to make it my priority, put it on my altar and pray for guidance. Considering the Middle Way brings to mind what I have been toying with, turning the box over and over in my hands, not sure whether I should open it. Inside the box is Dao, also Zen, neither of which I know much about, but have had the feeling for some time now that I ought to.
Richmond Hill (and also Richmond, BC) is the manifested equivalent of the Gold Mountain to the Chinese (why it is mostly populated by the Chinese, most of whom are already well-off), alluding to prosperity and abundance of wealth, as well as prestige, status, order, structure, safety in number and community. To hold ‘Richmond Hill’ or Gold Mountain as the middle way means first of all, shedding my prejudice against the money and power mongering image I have of people who align themselves with material pursuits, which I equate with the residents of Gold Mountain. The message to me is not whether I ought or ought not to become one of them, but that I let go of seeing it in black-and-white, me-or-you, friend-or-foe, absolutes (again). The Middle Way is neither way, but being able to see both, and hold both at the same time and space, without conflict.
I have known for some time now that to fulfill my purpose in this life I will have to come out of seclusion into the big wide world out there, from which I’ve retreated to do my inner work. Some part of me is sad that a life of solitary contemplation is not meant for me this time around, at least not on the horizon, but I know that my greatest challenge in this life is in overcoming my difficulties in being in the world, being earthbound, being in the body so ‘I’ can manifest. And the way for me, happens to be Dao, which is my ancestral legacy but unfortunately ended with the conversion to christianity with my grandparents. I pray for help now to find the thread and follow the best I can.
Just realized something: the voice with which my body speaks to me is sometimes much softer than the ‘yes or no’ I demand of it... for example, when I ask whether I’ve gotten everything I ought to from my dream, I am expecting a yes or no answer, which I get, probably because I forced it out of my expectation, but then a detail from the dream would immediately follow to tell me that it hasn’t been looked at yet, which in effect answers my question, and more.
Stop jumping to yes or no answers. Wait quietly for the answer, if it should come.
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