DREAMBITS: Apparently I’m not quite done with amorous dreams yet, cuz here’s another one, with 2 lovers no less, and a toilet to boot...
The toilet was a step-up one, elevated a few feet off the floor, clean, white porcelaine, constructed in a way I’ve never seen before, although more like a porta-potty, and I sat sideways on it. All went well, and I flushed.
My first lover was S. (a copywriter from the first ad agency I worked for), in his 30s. We were very much in love but when he moved to kiss me, I only just caught a tiny piece of his lip because he pulled away immediately. I was perplexed, but his expression or demeanor did not seem to change otherwise.
He began to tell me about backpacking and hiking, as if to suggest that we ought to do it together sometime...
At some point in this dream I was in a Loblaws store, smiling and telling someone I used to work here...
My second lover was a man in his 60s at least, tall and slender, with thin white hair and a stringy neck of old age. But it didn’t matter because we were in love. I remember getting up from where we were reclined and hooking my arm around his neck, playing at choking him, but caressing his chest affectionately as I let go. When he got up to get some apple pie, he sliced off most of the crust with the spatula as if he’s slicing butter with a knife, easily and smoothly, saying he didn’t want so much crust. I was watching and thinking that there wasn’t much filling in the pie (which I made)...
I asked my dreammaker and Source to help me recall the details and connections of my dreams better and longer, so that I can make the best of the dreamwork, and I make the intention for myself.
DREAMWORK:
The feeling in the whole dream was one of pleasant and tenderly loving flow, like a gentle playful smile, but underneath and very much a part of all of that was also the recurrent coming-together then going-apart dance that the lovers engaged in over and over. The love never diminished even when we were apart, but anxiety spiked a touch in me then.
They were new lovers to me, so there was that hopeful but slightly insecure feeling in the relationships still, the hypervigilance making the intoxication even more potent and thrilling.
I am wondering about the younger lover who was a copywriter in real life, carried the reference to advertising, with its glitter that I still in some way see as gold... I am still struggling with (false) image issues (status quo and acceptance) and this is preventing me from a deeper intimacy with him, my young masculine.
In fact, with both lovers I felt that tiny touch of inadequacy in myself; when he pulled away from what I thought was a kiss about to happen, and when I saw there wasn’t enough filling in the pie... There isn’t total fulfillment in my relationship to the masculine yet. There is courtship, but not consummation. The marriage has yet to happen, but the moment is closer.
As the feminine, I, as the dream reveals, need to let go of my self (ego’s fear and insecurities) more and surrender wholly to love – put more filling into the pie – and move from the passivity of waiting for love to come to me, to actively and assertively responding and receiving love when it shows up. I’ve had enough of being wishy-washy in my life, it is time to take what’s mine without hesitation or reticence or passive-aggression, embrace it fully and not feel self-conscious about it in front of the world. I need to celebrate this love whole-heartedly, whole-bodily, and whole-spiritedly.
But if I may take a step back and observe the scene as an observer for a moment, I see that my feminine and masculine are in the process – the courtship – of reflecting and drawing each other out to confront the issues that still exist in their relationship, and it is up to me – my ego and my higher Self – to pay heed and do the work to balance and heal them, so that one day this courtly dance may become the joyful celebration of matrimony.
One last piece: the part of telling someone at Loblaws that I used to work there... I was smiling when I said this and there was a genuine feeling of acceptance in revealing this fact. I have come to more peace with that whole thing of abandoning the rat race with the status and security that it implies, putting my trust in the stillness I felt I needed to find, so I can better know and allow what the Divine wills for me. It isn’t that I did not know what I am doing this for, but in my darker hours I waver and doubt and withdraw myself out of fear, and it is this diminishing and isolation of the self out of self-defense that I need to shed.
I see myself standing with feet firmly planted on the ground, head held high and aglow with radiant selfhood, my gaze soft yet lively. I hope the day isn’t far when I will become this image of my true and full Self.
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