DREAM that I was going down some stone steps outside, large roughly hewn slabs, and one of the steps was cracked so I felt the looseness when I stepped on it. The piece broke off or I took it off, and a swarm of big whitish oval beetle-looking creatures poured out of the hole. The marking on their bodies was again, the one horizontal line with several shorter verticals through it, like the dream where the bottom of the shopping bag was divided in 6, and the dream of the paper folded into 12 squares. These bug bodies were more like 12. I was very shocked.
In another dream Jeff, a guy from the Fire, was there. He was lining people up for a group photo, just one line. I happened to be there so he just pulled me up to one end of the line. An old friend of mine, Lori, from my art college days showed up, so I drew her into the line. Because she was taller than me, I gave her my space and stayed on the end.
There were times in the night when I woke up slightly and felt disturbed and fearful by the dreams I was having, as if something bad happened in them, but I can’t remember any of it now… felt like it was from a very deep place…
DREAMWORK:
The descent was not a steep or difficult one, true of the descent into my own inner world that I am making. The steps are carved out of the stone that’s already there, part of the landscape, although they were not elegant little steps that a child could climb. They were a bit larger than life scale. Also this was outdoors. So it is pointing to a path larger than a personal one. There were other people on the same path behind me, I remember now.
But that means I will soon find a faulty step, one that is full of surprise. I don’t recognize the insects but they looked like creatures who normally lived in the dark, almost albino in appearance. They remind me of grubs, which I just found out online, are larvae of scarab beetles! In my dream, they looked like fat beetles with many legs. Scarab beetles, apparently, symbolize Spontaneous Generation, New Life, Hope and Resurrection, as they emerge from the ground out of dung balls from eggs laid a year ago. Scarabs are also the symbol for the Egyptian sun god, therefore solar. So this rebirth is something that has been hidden but will be brought to the light of day for the first time, and it will be vital and abundant. But I must be careful not to force them out into the light too early, causing damage from premature rebirth… Okay! I get it: Stop pushing!
I keep noticing these arrangements of 2 rows and either 3 or 6 columns, making either 6 or 12 spaces, with equal number of spaces above and below the ‘horizon’ line. As above, so below… The rebirth that’s happening below now, will emerge above in 3 months (?) in the microcosm (my perosnal level), and in 6 months in the macrocosm (global level). 3 months will be in the new year… hmmm… still doubtful…
Onto the second dream, or second part of the same dream…
When I think of Jeff I think of responsibility and humility, honesty and integrity, spiritual longing and connection, I think of a no-frill, down-to-earth, still waters that run deep kind of guy. He is simple human goodness, but a seeker. You can trust and rely on him for the things that really matter in life. Yet often he seems to be full of sadness, and he carries his burden of responsibility, as a breadwinner and head of the family, heavily. It is as if he’s trying too hard and wearing himself out, this pillar of strength for everyone else.
There is a part of me that is like that, feeling the weight of being responsible in my various roles, and the guilt that is never too far away.
In the dream, Jeff, my hyper-responsible self, was lining up all the roles I play in my life. Lori, who was a single-mother on wellfare and juggling full-time school, did not have the family and community support (aside from wellfare) that Jeff has. And most of all, she did not have spiritual support. How does she fit into the picture then, literally, in the dream? She relied on her own resources and network of relationships, and she was not without wit and charm. She has had to learn as she went, but she knew how to survive with what she had, and seemed to strike a good balance in equanimity and optimism. She shared what she could with me, and never complained about her life, even though at times she was stretched pretty thin.
I need to bring the part of me that’s like her into the ‘group’ picture of my life, the resourceful and responsible provider who takes everything in stride, as well as the Jeff-part of me that has a lot of solid support from all around, but ditch the weary, though saintly, under-the-heavy-yoke-24/7 persona. My actual load is at its all time low these days, so the weight I feel is what I choose to feel, and I can choose not to feel this way as well.
Where my sense of responsibility is concerned, and this is always a problem area for me, and one that’s causing most of my anxieties these days (that I wake up in the night with), I need to marry Jeff and Lori in order to transform it for good.
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