Being Mother

DREAM that I am with a large group somewhere… then I am in a kitchen and my ‘man’ and I are holding each other, as if he had just waltzed in right into my arms spontaneously, so I was slightly taken by surprise. He felt very bony and thin in my arms, his upperbody like a big triangular bone with a slight curve in it. I still wasn’t quite sure about the embrace, as if I felt he might not really be into it, but he held on, got even closer so it was a full-body hug. Diane was standing a few paces away, just looking at us…

At another point I was still amongst lots of people, my sister was there too… then I was walking inside a big downtown mall or corporate lobby, polished marble floor and chandelier-lit, suddenly something hit me from behind the knees and I buckled onto the floor. I recovered but still sitting on the floor, and saw 4 cats, my cat Nemo and 3 of my sister’s cats, sprawled around me. They didn’t appear to be hurt, just stretched out and quite relaxed. I was holding Nemo in one arm. Then Tom M., a photographer I knew walked by and I said, what happened? He said, they were smacked on the bum and pushed into you.

DREAMWORK:

What does it mean when I dream of being part of a large group? That it is a transpersonal dream, one that is for the benefit (if we do the work) of the collective to which I belong. In the first part of the dream, the collective is those of us who are working on healing the split between our masculine and feminine.

In the first part, we were in the kitchen, a feminine space of earthly nurture and creativity, abundance and festivity. I am a newbie to this place, still uncertain and not fully trusting my own power in it, so when my masculine came to me, I didn’t entirely believe his sincerity and devotion. There is still a tiny part of me that believed I am not good enough. To my surprise, he hung on and stayed with me.

But he felt so thin, like one big blade of bone! I have not given him enough nourishment to flesh out yet. The triangular bone is the structure the masculine brings, the framework on which I can build my self on. The shape reminds me of the shoulder blade, which carries responsibility, a masculine principle. Diane, the Earth Mother, is standing by to reassure and lend me the strength I need. I had not realized until this moment how much strength she gives me. I ask her and Source now, to help provide the love, care and nurture necessary for the health and wellbeing and growth of my masculine.

The second part is also transpersonal, the collective is the awakened who actively pursue personal growth and transformation. When I step out into the world again I will be suddenly hit from behind and fall onto the ground for a reality check. But it is only the 4 instincts of my feminine that have forced me to a sudden stop. One of them I own/know, the other 3 belong to my shadow familiar. What are the 4 instincts of my feminine? To create (this one I’ve begun to know), to nurture (not so good with this one), to love unconditionally (not at all good with this one), and to ripen and let go (not come close to this one yet).

But why did they hit me from behind? Because if I were to go out into the world now, I will be brought down and humbled yet again, for I have not done the work necessary to heal the feminine in myself, as many women who grew up in a man’s world have yet to do: to love with an open heart, give nurture in the way it’s needed (discernment), thus bear the fruit of our creativity, and finally, being able to let go of outcome, allowing the work to go where it may best serve, according to divine will.

Tom represents the part of my animus that is a straight shooter, whose judgment and integrity I trust, and he is good at finding and implementing solutions to a problem. He gets things done and done well. Maybe he was the one who smacked me on the butt to give me the message to snap me out of my complacency and get my work done.

I need to ground firmly into the earth, fully connect with the feminine, so that my masculine can grow into maturity, and I will finally be ready to do the work I am meant to in the world.

As I have never been a mother in real life, I need to experience the full process of being a good mother, of mothering, and finally letting go of what I have mothered.