1) A mean looking guy with shaven head was driving a red muscle car and harassing me and my girlfriend, who were on foot. He did or said something and I challenged him. He started to retaliate by throwing his attitude around, but I kept walking away. He followed us in his car and became more and more vitriolic and threatening. I knew he could be dangerous but stood my ground, so to speak, and didn’t run or freak out.
2) My mother was showing us these shallow crates of little creatures she had. They looked like baby hedgehogs but are furry and soft. They are all in varying degrees of dormancy, some are drowsing, some are deeply asleep, lined up in the boxes. My sister and I held them and looked at them closely, with love and fascination. There was a bit of water in the box, very shallow, but I saw tiny baby mosquitos on the surface. I tried to swat one. Then my mother went to put the boxes away. I thought she was kind of rough with handling the boxes, and there was some loud noise around. I wanted to protect the little creatures and their hibernation.
DREAMWORK:
1) The nasty dude is the aggressive masculine in me, always primed for a fight, anger looking outlet, armoured in a persona of brute force and overblown machismo, his outfit complete with red muscle car and shaven head. His M.O. is ‘offend before I am offended’. Hurt them before they hurt you. And that’s what the angry façade is for, aside from covering up the terrible fear of being hurt that deeply, again. He is the defender of my sense of vulnerability, my cover, the Red Knight of Rage, the masculine counterpart to my passive-aggressive feminine, The Bitch.
In the dream he was provocative, trying to act out, now that I’ve begun to hold my vulnerability differently. He, child of my ego, feels threatened. I have distinguished my true self apart from this persona and I can see clearly now what it does and why. This, I think, is one reason I am able to walk away from it, from him, with equanimity. I felt a little bit of fear at the very bottom of my being, but it was in low tide and did not come anywhere near overwhelm. I see as I wrote this, what the shallow bit of water meant in the next dream as well as one I had recently which also featured this same element. The water is not just fear, but emotional force, which is part of what my vulnerability is prey to, when the force becomes overwhelming, whatever the emotion happens to be.
When I was at my sickest, and felt I just couldn’t take on one more stress or I would burst the dam, I didn’t know that the dam was full to the top because I had held onto most of the feelings I had collected, mine and others’ that came my way, and didn’t let any of it go except through venting it as anger. Those were the few holes in the dam, but they weren’t enough. I was trying so hard to hold it together, to not lose control, to not disintegrate… Surrender was the ultimate demise of the weak, that was my belief.
2) This actually segued into the second dream, though it was definitely not apparent until now. What occurs to me now is also that the water in the dam was stagnant (the baby mosquitos breeding in it), which was actually what brought me to the awareness that I was trapped, stuck, sluggish, indifferent, with everything in me grinding to an imminent halt—the classic symptom of Sepia, The Bitch. This awareness, though only a glimmer then, brought me to homeopathy, to the remedy Sepia, and kickstarted my salvation, my re-entry into life. But, perhaps I ought to go back to the beginning of the dream…
The little baby creatures are the tender creative potentials I have been nurturing in myself, still incubating with the Great Feminine (mother). But there is still some fear (the shallow water) in me that feels vulnerable, that wants to do something to protect them from harm, that does not have full trust in the Great Feminine to care for them. Furthermore, this water is stagnant, it is the old fear of being vulnerable and its compensating anger and aggression that ultimately saps life energy from me (mosquitos as bloodsuckers). This is what my shadow (my sister) was there to show me.
I am in a somewhat fragile though transitory state, pregnant with these new potentials of my Self conceived from divine will and purpose. Still in gestation, functionally dormant for the most part, and sometimes the balance feels precarious. I want the best conditions to bring my babies to term, but I also know fear is not one of them. Trust in divine love is. So in spite of my fear, however residual, I will hold fast to my trust in the Great Spirit, in Life, in the sacred union of the Great Feminine and Masculine, as I continue to work on draining the bottom of the dam, and one day throwing open the floodgates and flow fully and freely.
I thank my dreams and the Greatness of Life deeply for this healing and affirmation.
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