Boyfriend's Coming!

DREAM that I was in a place with many people, my community. It was a large space with white walls, almost everything was white. Then I got word that my boyfriend was coming, but I just went about my work in the back as usual. I smiled and said to another woman, “My boyfriend is coming and everyone’s all excited.” Many had rushed to the front door already. I felt calm and content. In a corner of the room I found some tubes of homeopathic remedy mixed in with balled-up white paper or cloth.

DREAMWORK:

Is he the biblical bridegroom, or is he still just a boyfriend because I have not claimed him as my own, just as I had to with my baby masculine? Apparently, part of my lesson and healing on my trap/responsibility/giving issue is on claiming these estranged parts of myself, because claiming them means accepting them, accepting the responsibility of having them—caring, nurturing, and loving them with all that I have. Claiming them, as opposed to denying and refusing to have anything to do with them, holding them at arm’s length, dangling them away from me as if they are repulsive as plague—what I’ve done for so long.

I see also something else I had not before; that I am working on healing many of these parts of my masculine at once—the infant, the toddler, the young man, as well as the mother—and each piece I reclaim not only adds to but resonates and impacts the whole, so the effect is at times exponential. How exquisite!

Okay back to the dream… I was happy that my boyfriend was coming, and his presence so well received by my people, but the deep calm and contentment in me remained undisturbed. I went to the backroom (a recurring motif, of my penchant for the unconventional, also my tendency to avoid being in the spotlight due to my self-consciousness and introversion) to do some work (because clearly I still have work to do there!) and found, amidst all the ‘whiteness’ and ‘lightness’ (so this is something I know about already), several tubes of remedies tucked in between wads of padding, the kind you use to cushion fragile items in storage or during moving. I remember the familiar and vivid blue (intensely emotional, but not dark) of the plastic tubes.

Perhaps the deeply rooted calm and poise is what I need to face the highly charged emotional response this dream is imparting to me (I feel the curling edges of panic already), that I am going back to healing work with others, with homeopathy and other modalities I know. Is this true, Great Spirit? Yes… And I am afraid of that, have been afraid of that, but had not the courage to even allow the possibility into my consciousness, until I am forced to now.

What am I afraid of, exactly? The memory of it being a heavy burden that I carried 24/7 because someone could call at any moment of the day for help, the guilt that I ought to help them because I had put it out there, the powerlessness at times when nothing seems to offer the relief they sought, and the ultimate failure I considered my work, myself, to be. As a healer, I was not a success according to mainstream standards. The question that comes now, is why had I tried to go the conventional route (even for a field called ‘alternative’) when I knew that that’s not who I am? Setting up clinic space, soliciting, marketing, appointments, follow-ups… these are all part of the requisite mould that I’ve been told is the tried and true way to success, just as with all conventions in our society. But why did I buy into it, again? Because I did not have enough of myself then to stand true for who and what I am, I did not know enough to ask what my heart’s true desire was. I needed more of me, and I needed more time to ‘find’ me.

So this is the work I’ve been doing, the time I’ve taken off from running that treadmill. Do I have enough of me now to go out and help others heal, in the way that is divinely intended? Yes, though I still feel fear. Hmmm… I am to do this work in spite of fear, even with fear, because it will not overwhelm me this time, because I have surrendered control to the divine, that I am but a vessel for the work. My ego is wringing its sweaty hands already, but it stays on the sideline.

I am stronger and more whole now, and even more so as I reclaim and re-integrate these parts of my Self, so when the time comes I will be able to step up to the front door, in full sight of everyone, everyone that matters to me, everyone in my tribe and community, and carry the light that came to me to be carried, full of the confidence and serenity I radiated in the dream.

Thank you, Great Spirit, my dreams, and Jupiter (currently in Pisces; more and more I am seeing how my life is celestially designed, engineered, and powered)!