DREAMWORK:
Another dream of holding someone else’s child… this one was an old client and her only child, one that was diligently if not obsessively cared for.
Why am I holding and caring for someone else’s child? Because I have been afraid to claim him as my own. But now that my issue with taking on others as my responsibility is mending, I am given this opportunity to redress this aspect of it. I had never wanted children because it meant to me an unnecessary burden and sacrifice of my own life, and ultimately a loss of personal freedom. Now that whole picture I’ve painted for myself is being re-configured.
This child is literally and fundamentally a part of me, not merely an extension of me. Now I have the feeling this is touching on my personal paradox of boundary/boundary-less, my ‘to be, or not to be’. But I shall stay with the dream for the moment…
I am not afraid to claim him as my own anymore; I want to, in fact. It felt good and right to me to hold him, in both dreams. I am learning to nurture and provide for him as a mother would. In this dream, we were lying heart to heart, and even though he was sick with fever, vulnerable as children are, as I am, I am not turning my nose up at him or away from him anymore (couldn’t smell). I don’t mind that he is weak and helpless, and I know now that this vulnerability can only be held and healed with unconditional love and nurture, and I am the gatekeeper of that ocean of love.
!!!!!!!! A most bizarre thing just happened… I stopped writing at around noon to feed Nemo, and just when I was about to sit back down a few minutes ago (12:25pm) my cellphone pinged. I checked and found a text message from none other than Tina, who was in my dream! I think she sent it to me by mistake, because I’ve disconnected from all of my clients a year ago. The message just said [Jack]Jack, which means nothing to me. Perhaps she meant to write to someone named Jack, but hit my name instead… Nevertheless, there is a meaning to this… Is it a personal ‘message’ to me and me only? No, it involves her as well. Oh oh… Is she sending someone to me? Yes. Ought I to ask anymore about this? No. Okay then. Anyway, Tina was a good mother in my opinion.
I didn’t want to alienate or upset the mothers in my dreams, because I want to stay connected to the embodiment of motherhood, and be the good mother that is in me to be.
Something else I haven’t gotten from this dream yet… Oh yes, that boundary issue of mine… It occurs to me now that the boundary I had held for so long between myself and another, has come under scrutiny due to this recent re-examination and its consequent healing. It was necessary for me to draw a hard line between myself and other, so that I could be ‘safe’ from being responsible for them, this separation also served as a wall between us. It is as if the wall is unforgivingly solid, utterly and indiscriminantly impenetrable. It kept out potential harm and pain, but it also stood between me and love that came my way. But now I’ve found a way to soothe and heal my vulnerability, raw, exposed nerve endings of fearfulness, and slowly, gently, the big old band-aid can come off, so I can feel again, so I can open to experience and connection again.
As one carrying the essence of Sepia, an inverted mollusk as she is seen in homeopathy, I came into this life a Pisces child, naked with vulnerability and victimhood, without the inner resource to protect myself, and became overwhelmed with fear of the dangers of this world. In time, in compensation, I grew a psychic layer of armour with my bitterness, cynicism, and indifference, because that was all I knew to do. This insulated me from the harshness of reality as I perceived it. But as I said, it also cut me off from Life as a whole. Now I know I have the power to choose, I am an adult suddenly it seems, and I don’t need a wall to keep what’s not good for me away. I simply choose to open to only what’s good for me, now I have a better sense too, of what that is.
Osho was right, maturity is having the power to choose.
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