Saturn's Second Call

My sister and I were sitting aside quietly while my dad worked on some kind of task. When he finished he looked at us coldly, as if he was angry that we didn’t offer to help, and now he will withdraw his affection or abandon us…

DREAMWORK:

Patriarchal disappoval and my conditioned fear of it. Fear that I will lose its/his affection and worse, be abandoned, banished from its support and sustenance, which I am also conditioned to believe as my lifeline. This is the punishment, or the threat of it, when I do not do what I’m expected to do, which is to work and earn. His love is not unconditional.

How can I transform this conditioned belief, because something inside tells me that it’s not a matter of letting it go? My shadow sister was there too, so I’ll ask her…

I see us sitting side by side on a low wall. We are little girls dressed identically and looking like twins. I reach out and hold her hand because I am scared. Should we go to our mother for help?? We hop down onto the ground and walk over to where dad is, still holding hands. We begin to circle around him, singing ‘Ring Around The Rosy’, circling and circling. Then I or my sister takes his hand and he is drawn into the circling. He takes our hand that’s free and we make a closed circle, singing and circling, smiling gently.

I realized then that he wasn’t really mad at us or wanting to punish us. He was hurt that we tried to separate ourselves from him first, believing that we can survive without him. I am guilty of that. Even though I know that it is impossible to be whole if I reject any part of myself, not to mention half of myself, my masculine. I don’t have to embrace patriarchal rule, but I shouldn’t throw the baby (boy) out with the water. I’ve visited this issue before, so there must be something else I’m not getting…

He appeared as the stern, Saturnian figure of a father; does Saturn have something to teach me?

He wants me to learn discipline and commitment, not as blind rules or routine, but as a practice that can become a pillar of real strength and fortitude underlying whatever ‘task’ I am to do in life. I admit that this has been sorely lacking in my life so far. Crippling, really, to always trying to balance on a rickety foundation, though it’s taken me this long to own that.

I think, this is my cue to keep on and NOT DROP the yoga and meditation practice I’ve just started beginning of this year.