Healing PTS

Woke up this morning from what felt like a long, extended dream, and my ex-husband was with me the whole time… I wasn’t particularly thrilled about it, but there was some kind of process or objective we had to accomplished, but I just wanted to get it done and over with.

DREAMWORK:

I’ve had dreams about my ex-husband now and then, but the question that remains is a basic one: Why him? I am not aware of unresolved issues where my relationship with him was concerned, yet I know there must be something—that he represents some part of my own psyche that I’ve not come to terms with…

I went into sleep last night with thoughts about what my life would be like without my nemesis, fear of insufficiency, and its underlying cause of The Split, the dualistic view of life. I didn’t know that this fear is so big it blocks any possibility of even imagining my life without it. It is that glass wall again. And I am nose to glass, so close to it that I cannot even see where it ends. Perhaps this dream brings some light to that…

What my ex represents that I reject is the primitive nature of man, particularly of men, the masculine manifestation. It is also the earthiest part of human and animal nature. I can see that by denying and disowning it, I am cutting myself off from the earth, its support and nurturance. Aahhh! It is my vulnerability again, afraid to get dirty, afraid of possible violation and trauma, afraid to be invaded, overpowered, plundered.

The breach of that trauma has penetrated my sense of safety so deeply and violently, I have not been able to get close enough to the open wound, because I’ve been too busy screaming from the pain and anguish, still. I think I’m simply(!) stuck in the impression or image of the events—primary symptom of PTS—and do not have the wherewithal to get myself out. I’ve worked on this every time it came around on the healing spiral, and it has healed to the point that I am conscious of all of this now, which for most of my life has been filed under ‘phobia’ and left like an inoperable tumour. So it’s time to let go of these frozen memories, these stories of my life, at least this layer of it.

I surrender them to the Oneness of Life, from which they came, to which they shall return, and become part of the flow of life again. I wash them from me, into the ever-moving and living water of Dao. I immerse myself in it and let it wash out my wound, calm and soothe it, love and care for it. Dress it with the healing wisdom of plants and minerals, fill it with vital, raw earth. Drench me in showers of prayer and blessing so that I take root in this earthly life, this beautiful and abundant life where fears come and go, but love is always there. Here. In me. With me. In and with everything. In and with the 100 Huskies killed by their employers yesterday. In and with the employers.

Love is like the sun. It rises for everyone.