The Nurturing Masculine

Sunday, November 21, 2010 – full moon

DREAM that I was a woman with an aristocratic bearing, with her husband at a game or public event of some kind. She was haughty without being arrogant. There was the air of the tragic queen about her. She told her husband that she felt unwell. Next thing she had thrown up and was lying on the ground. There was vomit chunks on the younger woman with her and a little on her husband. The younger woman told her she was leaving. She wasn’t angry but looked put out.

In another dream I was going someplace downtown but accidentally went into a Loblaws warehouse instead. It was full of people and machinery, busy and impersonal. I couldn’t find my way out and the exits I saw required ID but I was no longer an employee. Finally I ran into Alex and begged him to get me out. He talked to some higher-up and told some little fib but got me out. There was a lot of snow outside and I couldn’t go very fast, as hard as I tried. In the distance I could see the taller building with The Bay logo on the top, but I was now very late and anxious…

DREAMWORK:

Although she/I was dressed like everyone else, she held herself like a queen. The sadness that she carried – I have the feeling for a long time now – was the toxin that made her sick, that she had to expel. The younger woman, who was Latin-brown with long wavy hair, rather dumpy looking, was not there until after I threw up. For she was my shadow, the part of me that believed that I was dumpy, unattractive, invisible, and not much use. I know this about myself, but had not been able to draw her completely out of the shadow. Until now, now that I’ve thrown it/her up, the toxin that’s been poisoning me against myself, my womanhood. You have served me well, my shadow, now it is time for you to go. I thank you from my soul. I thank my masculine too, for taking me to the ‘game’ (the public, the world, but potentially fun and playful), for sticking by me, even when I threw up all over him. Now I rest awhile.

Like the first dream, the second dream also bothered me a great deal at first…

Clearly I am still caught up in the belief that I have to work to survive (I’ve been rather obsessed with the song “I Will Survive” lately), even though I’ve physically left that scene. I couldn’t find a way out because that world is not ever going to help me with that. I have to find it myself. Alex is the masculine in me that is not afraid to show love and nurture unconditionally, and he always sees the good and forgives the bad. I ought to forgive myself this weakness, not even judge myself as weak, and allow the time I need to find my way into balance on this. As other parts of me heal, this will too. I trust in that, and I can let go of control and lean on my masculine for the love and strength I need. He is going to love all these pieces of me, and put me back together again, even better than before.

The ‘bay’ means shelter and safety, a place protected from the open sea and potential storms. I wanted to get to it so desperately, but I was mired in the insurmountable amount of snow – frozen emotions – in the outside world. I had set my sight on the pinnacle of safety in the distance, feeling pressured because I believe I am out of time, almost too old to make it there, to the goal of a secure life in the world, the purported reward of status quo. Getting out of the grind (Loblaw) did not free me from this conditioning of the mind and the fear that feeds it.

I need to go home, to my Self, to love and nurture, to forgiveness and a clean slate, to making new my vows to devote and dedicate my life to the Creator and creation, and rest and relax completely in the trust that Life is guiding me, even when I am not present to it. But when I am here, I can see the guidance.