DREAM that I was in an apartment building or condo complex, but for some reason I was sneaking around, trying not to be seen. The light was dim. I wanted to get from one apartment to another, and predictably there were many obstacles, like people, doors, walls, balconies, fire exits. Somehow I got through them, but towards the end of my escapade a father – dark skinned like an east indian – saw me and held the door open for me, because he knew my name from some fame I had.
Eventually I ended up on the ground floor, there a Chinese mother with a young daughter stopped me and wanted to set up an appointment with me for the girl. I was a teacher or a healer or something. I decided to go along with this and sat down in a chair in the hall. The mother was running down the child’s schedule to decide on a time, I was only half listening, still a bit shaken at having been discovered. She gave me some money and said that’s for the first 20 minutes of the 100 minutes. I looked down and saw that there were rolls and loose bills lying on me, from the father I ran into before. Then they were ready to leave, so I got up to walk them to the front exit, and the mother said “So we’ll see you Thursday at 10”. I realized that I wasn’t paying enough attention and didn’t know whether she meant 10 am or pm. I smiled and asked the girl with pretended casualness whether it was am or pm, and she said pm. I thought that was late but had to go with it now. All the while in the back of my mind I knew I was coming back to my work that I had taken leave of for a time, and had not planned to come back to, but I also felt a determination that I will not let it overrun me this time. I felt capable of drawing the line now.
DREAMWORK:
If this dream’s portent is telling me what I think it is telling me – that I will be going back to healing work with children – then my first reaction is one of fear. But I know that’s from old baggage. I have done a fair bit of work on the issues that caused me to withdraw – my fear of being trapped in responsibility for others, my lack of boundary, my lack of self confidence and self assurance, plus a bit of wisdom and insight that I did not have then. Although when I think of the how-to in addressing certain situations that will doubtlessly come up, like mothers calling all hours of the day for help, I still feel mired in helplessness, caught between empathy and self-sacrifice.
But I am assuming it is going to be the same work, with the same set-up, though there’s no reason it needs to be. I didn’t have a clear sense of the role I was playing in the dream, whether I was a teacher or healer. The parents seemed to look at me as if I was a teacher. Perhaps my mind cannot accept that because I’ve not taught children except in church years ago. Seeing the dream this way seems too superficial, perhaps I ought to look at it from more of an inner perspective…
Dim light, something from the unconscious or at least subconscious. I was trying to get away from having to relate to people and all their relationships. This is true of me in waking life. There were many obstacles, or so I thought, but I got past them. But a part of my masculine, from my unconscious, so a part I am not aware of, saw and recognized me, by a persona that I had. He engaged me in that role again, and I went with it. Why did I go with it? Why did I not say no, again? I was taken by surprise, as I said, and didn’t have time to ‘think’, so I did what seemed natural and went with the flow.
My attempt at staying out of sight of others, incognito, was like going in the back way in the other dreams I had. I was, I am, trying to disappear from public view, public life, surreptitiously, to escape judgment or being trapped. That’s my self-consciousness acting out. But Life caught me, and brought me back into the light, wanting me to go out the front door.
The father and the mother are the parts of my masculine and feminine that want me to grow up, to be educated in wisdom, nurtured, and brought to live out my full potential. In fact, they have already invested in me, paid me an advance to get me started. They believe in me and trust in life. The children are of course parts of me too. Everyone’s ready, just waiting for me to rise to the occasion. Well, I did in the dream, because I had no time to be afraid, I was too caught up in the flow of events. I am to ride along that current of trust, let my fears come and leave me, feel the wind and sun on my face, and enjoy the scenery and whatever may come.
Yes, I fear deep down that it may be too late in the day for me to start over, that I don’t have enough formal education, or inner resources, or any number of things I lack, but late is better than never. I am still here, stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been in my adult life, and I know what I did not know when I was younger. I know who stands behind me now, and has always caught me when I fell. I am never alone, even when I am most afraid. This is that core of tensile determination and earthy resolve that I feel, in spite of the fears buzzing around my head like flies to garbage.
Something’s still missing though, I feel, something still needs to be done… about the fear… more than just allowing them and letting them go, I need to give them expression. Hmmm… I don’t think I’ve ever done that… I’ve certainly given my anger expression, but my fears I’ve kept like fireflies caught in a jar, contained and ‘safe’. I need to treasure and cherish my fears just as I do with my joy and pleasures. Hold each one in my hand and see close-up the beauty of how they are made, the intricate miracle of this piece of life, for it is a part of life too. I have given it life, I have put a part of myself into it, a part I judged to be bad or wrong or ugly.
If I look at my fear of being trapped now, I can see even with my limited vision, that it is a fear born out of my belief that death is an end to life, an end to all things, to all connection, and that pain always precedes death. The pain that we feel day to day from living are the million small deaths that eventually kill us at the end of life. Under the dome of this fear, I cannot see that life is much bigger than this, that life and death are one seamlessly revolving cycle.
It is our biological determination that motivates us toward survival, to always put up a fight against harm, to rally an effort to stave off death, and that motivation is fear. So I’m supposed to have this fear of death, this aversion to pain and suffering, this vulnerability to danger. It is animal instinct. But an animal also accepts death, when the moment comes, it does not rail against fate, it does not sit at home immobilized by fear. It still goes out to hunt, to forage, to gather, to mate and rear its young. It does not stop living the life it was meant to, even though death could descend any moment. It follows the higher directives that it was born with, its potentials and its destiny, in spite of its instinct to survive, because this instinct is not higher than its destiny.
Those immobilized by fear, will surely die. Those who keep moving in spite of fear, have at least half a chance to live. This may be patently obvious, but somehow it is hitting me in the gut. It says I can’t hide from life. If I persist in letting fear prevent me from going into life, I will surely die, in more ways than one. I have to come out of hiding. I have to pronounce that intention and allow it to happen. In fact, fear does not prevent me, it is me who uses fear as a blindfold, a shield, an excuse not to move from the trap. And even though I do this consciously, the deepest part of me knows this is not good for me, it sees me stuck in this trap, and is afraid. I guess this is what they say about fear being the core issue of enneagram head types, that we fear fear itself. I’ve felt this to be true, but I have never understood it on the level of insight until now.
Great Spirit, help me come out of hiding, help me walk into the light, help me open to life. I thank you for everything.
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