The Milk of Forgiveness

DREAM that I kept avoiding eye contact with an ex-boyfriend who was hovering near me. I was sitting down, keeping busy doing things, he was standing to my right…

DREAMWORK: This is a recurrent theme, in dreams and waking life, of avoiding eye contact with someone. There is in it aloofness, arrogance, vulnerability, resistance, and my core fear of being trapped. It says I am unforgiving, I want to be separate from you, I don’t want to change my attitude about you. I reject you, because you have rejected me, because you might reject me. I won’t accept you, because you’ve not accepted me. Still that split of ‘me or you’, ‘me or them’. And I can’t face it because I fear the pain of rejection, because the pain had been too great.

How to heal this pain of rejection? I can’t make it go by will, it is too deep. I can see its jagged red roots like blades embedded in my abdomen, and I’m afraid to try and pull it out lest it creates more damage. It has to be melted, and I can do that with intention. It melted into nothingness, leaving root-shaped empty space where it used to be. It needs to be filled with something else. A milky white substance appears and slowly fills the space. It is the milk of forgiveness. I let out a big exhale. I have forgiven you, just as I feel forgiven by you. I have forgiven them, those who have transgressed against me, and I am forgiven my transgressions.

I recall the people who have hurt me, the pain from which I carried to this day, those I loved, those I hated, those I didn’t care about, those I depended on, those I passed by. I think of a few of them, a few of the stings I am familiar with, and I see that they rejected me because I had rejected them first, even though I hadn’t meant to present it that way, I hadn’t meant to hurt them. Although I am not accountable for their reactions, I can allow myself to be more loving, kind, and generous, by opening my heart to these energies. I can choose to be a channel for these, and keep this floodgate open, instead of keeping to myself out of fear.

What an immense gift, this milk of forgiveness, when I had little idea I still held grudges against so many, for so long. Honestly, it was like self-induced amnesia! But now I thank the Great Spirit and my dreams, as always, for this healing, for this day, for this life.