The Courtship Continues...

Friday, August 13, 2010

DREAM that J., an old love, was visiting. We were in a house or building with many equal-sized rooms. My brother was there. J. asked for conditioner, and I was determined to be a good hostess. Finally I found some, a small travel-sized one. After that he kept coming back to me to chat. At one point he said, you know sometimes on the railway tracks just below the rails there’s a space? I envisioned this as he said it, acting as if impatient for him to get to the point, but really just playing coy. I would like to take you there some time, he said. I tried to play it cool, but we were undoubtedly flirting. There were lots of people around but I didn’t care.

In the twilight of waking, the thought occurred to me that he must have been born a Cancer. There was always gentle compassion and the willingness to help, even small things, though he had never tried to disguised the other side of his nature, the ambitious go-getter who knows his charm and didn’t hesitate to go after what he wants. But it was the blue aura of melancholy that always had me in its thralls. The Blue Boy, yet another Tubercular. It still gets me in the blood.

DREAMWORK:

Still dreaming and working along the same line of bringing my masc and fem together, one stitch at a time it seems, in this spiritual suturing...

The same question of ‘What does he represent in me’ applies here, I think. And if my brother represents the kindred part of my masculine, then I would say he was here to support and help me, in the background. He (or my sister, when she’s in my dream) would also mean familiarity and safety to me, an environment or situation I knew about or have been in before. Could it also mean that whatever healing comes of it will also heal my family?? It feels so in my body. Back to J...

Physically he was what I would call ‘my type’, his temperament suggested just enough dark mystique – the brooding, melancholic undertone – that seemed to promise a depth and intensity I’ve always found no resistance to. In him I also heard the persistent call to surrender with complete abandon, the only kind of human power that I would willingly submit to at that time. Like bees to honey, moths to flame, iron fillings to magnet. Yet somehow I sensed the mortal demise inherent in succumbing to that spell, as the bees and moths must have too.

He had beautiful hair, as I mentioned, classic picture of a Tubercular – abundant, luxurious and untamed, mad with a feverish desire to create (and procreate), to wring the last drop out of life and leave a mark, knowing that the end is foreshadowed when you burn the candle from both ends. This is the image of Lover as an archetype to me, not how he really was in life.

In the dream he asked for hair conditioner – care and nourishment for his crowning glory. And I think I found just the right one for him – one for travel, the desire and need to travel being a keynote symptom of a Tubercular. It is what drives, and gives them the drive to move as much as they do and as hard as they do, in restless search of what they seek. Whether they know what it is they seek or not is, at least for the moment, irrelevant, for they are compelled from deep within their nature to ‘be on the road’. This is what afflicts me now.

He is, I am, getting ready, for the conditions needed, to hit the road. And I will, or perhaps already have, the requisite conditions.

As I connect the dots in the Tubercular picture of this dream and my waking life, I cannot help but note that in the last couple of months I’ve watched about 2 dozen dvds on travel around the world, and just the last few days since the Algonquin trip, I have been seriously considering travelling at the least our continent in a mobile home, but only brought it out into the open with Michael this morning. I can feel the picture ‘tightening’ up, like we say with a piece of artwork or a project coming together, but in this case the sense of it is deeper in my belly, broad at the base and tapering up the centre of my body.

In the last part of the dream he kept coming back to engage with me, to connect, also to tempt me and draw me out. So I guess my life will be one lived on the road from the point of departure from here. I feel excitement like live wire running in my veins. Is that what ‘wire in the blood’ means??

To keep the ‘romance’ of this kind of life alive, he, my masculine, will return again and again to go off the tracks now and then, and going to the secret hideaway that only he knows, to renew our relationship and our spirit.

The space below the railroad tracks is like a secret hideaway for couples to go and be alone, because they don’t want to be seen together in public. And sometimes the best place to hide is right under its nose.

Railway tracks are the path trains run on, and trains are high-speed collective movers, so railroads are what the masses would choose to travel through their lives on. It’s predictable, tried and true, predetermined, and supposedly safe and comfortable.

I have a feeling I am not getting this one... just skirting the perimeters with the last few paragraphs, and blabbering... need a break...

Took a dose of AURUM C40/4 before bed.
_______________


Saturday, August 14, 2010

It’s been 2 months since I left my job, and it has taken that long for me to really relax into this new way of life, and to become fully aware of how much I have come to love all of what has been happening to me, my relationships (to myself, my body, Michael, our cat Nemo, Nature and the elements, food, art, humanity, to name but a few) and my perspectives. There is a sense of more spaciousness inside myself, as I discovered more spaciousness outside of myself. My life is as simple and as peaceful as it’s ever been, and more and more I catch myself closely examining the preciousness of an ordinary moment in an extraordinary light, and marvel at how I’ve managed to live decades without noticing any of it. Everyday brings a bit more awareness, insight, healing, little pieces of myself is found and brought home, and I can just detect an underground current of strength building quietly in the deep dark of my being.

BATHTUB INSIGHT:

I saw an image of a piece of plum colour swatch, then a sky blue one. The message is: A plum of an opportunity with the sky as its limit will come to me.

I am going to read all of my writing from the last 2 months. I think the bigger picture will have something to tell me as well.

________________

Sunday, August 15, 2010

DREAM: Another instalment in my dream lover series... this time he is light brown skinned with East Indian features, and we are literally entwined in a tight embrace (like a pretzel actually!), our young slender bodies together really only the size of one body. We are either married or about to be. Even though the feeling of our love was so big it was like a coccoon around us and so tender it ached, I was insecure when he was apart from me, missing that half of myself sorely.

Then in another scene we (me and my sister?) were planning for September, a monthly group activity (ritual). My mother said, what about a barbeque? I thought it was a great idea and wanted to tell my sister, but then I said, I can make it anytime, but can the boys make it during the week?

Later I was in a circular multi-level mall (with a domed roof?) slowly ascending the escalator that was in the centre of the building (the core) so I could see all the way around. There were merchants working in their stores (like cubicles or stalls, my usual market scene). The lighting is a bit low but comforting. Some guy who was new or inexperienced accidentally pulled a plug (everyone else knew not to do that) and the power went out in the whole place, but I didn’t actually see darkness.

Diametrically across from there was a small group of women sitting low to the ground, working on some kind of traditional female task like shelling peas or something. One of them was praising a famous golfer in town (or in the mall) and mentioned that he was from ‘Passionelle’(?) and another woman immediately said, “Coda, Passionelle.” As if she knew better. And added that he worked and studied on the golf course, and I had the impression that he also had a family to raise. Their tone was full of admiration and pride that he was ‘one of their own’.

DREAMWORK:

As I came up slowly to waking, I asked my body whether this dream in some way answers the question of my last dream, particularly the image of J. taking me to the space below the railway tracks. My body said yes, and this came to me:

We have to get off the fast track, and go off alone to get together.

This is indeed what I have done and what I’ve been doing, but I admit I’m still trying to convince all of myself that this is of the most critical necessity, if what I want most is the deepest healing and growth, as I’ve asked for over and over again. I suppose my ego is still afraid, that I am wasting time, being lazy and self-indulgent, running away from my shadow by retreating from the world... But my dream is showing me how ‘right’ it feels to finally be fully in loving relationship with my masculine, once I could let go of my fear and surrender into the intimacy and union. There is a time for EVERYTHING, and this is the time for retreat and withdrawing from the fast track, the state-of-the-art, high-speed, high-achieving train that’s hurtling into the unknown future, as if it knows its destination. But is that the destination I want?? Is this how I want to get there? I think I’ll take the love below the rails anyday. Mmmm...

Now to today’s dream... still some shadow material (light brown) to work through in my sacred marriage of my masc and fem, but getting closer and closer now. My fear of loss and lack of trust and ‘his’ illusiveness (I am still seeing ‘him’ as a separate entity from my whole self) are still keeping me from total surrender. But I am close, so close, to giving up the fight, as the force of the love becomes more and more powerful with each dream. The pain of separation is also more acute than ever, the urgency is overriding my doubts and any hesitation.

The next part of the dream is another act in this same (serial) play (becoming epic!), but perhaps in a different configuration, the cast of characters being the various parts of my Self, coming together in a monthly (at the new moon?) ritual to share and partake of our relationship. So on the September New Moon (in Virgo) when new initiatives can be conceived and new hopes and wishes propogated, we will have our reunion outdoors in nature, maybe the last one of the summer, and enjoy the fruit and bounty (my mother, the Goddess) of our good work this year so far, prepare ourselves for the big harvest coming in the fall, and start making plans for the coming year. With our collective belly full, mood mellowed, love and goodwill running high, we (all of my family of selves) will be brought closer and into one accord and will.

But my ever-persistent belief that I am separate from all things masculine is still hovering around like a fussing, anxious and self-righteous mother hen, afraid that ‘the boys’ won’t make it, they have failed us before, you know... Clearly my wounded feminine still needs redress, as I am being told twice now in the dream...

The last part of the dream was yet another recurrent theme, of the multi-levelled, multi-celled interior space of my psyche, this time of the semi-conscious. The thought occurs to me that these dreams of ‘browsing’ through the many rooms is really about my lack of purpose and focus, the feeling that I’ve never been able to really sink my teeth into anything in my life. Maybe that’s why I’m always craving for something to chew on, physically (food), emotionally (relationships, real or virtual), mentally (information gathering and learning), and spiritually (practices). I am kept busy 24/7 trying to reach the high tidemark of my satiety.

This one though, is different, because it is circular, the shape of wholeness (roundness) and spiritually aspiring (the space at the top for the dome). I am going up from the core, with a 360˚ view that allowed me to see all the stores, people, and activity. But the escalator did not seemed to stop anywhere along the way, it is only headed up. And even though we all believed we shouldn’t pull out any plug (unplug!), when it happened we did not fall into darkness as we feared. Life went on, and teaching from the feminine came to me in the form of the group of women in their traditional role of nurturing, how they honoured and upheld the masculine value of motivation, perseverance and hardwork, and felt proud to claim him as their own.

Without the competitiveness that makes it a sport, I see golfing as an artform in and of itself. Golfing is an act of creativity, a dance of calculated moves executed with focus and grace, delicately balanced between internal control and being in flow with the greater external elements. The canvas for this art is Nature, landscaped or manufactured, but the artist is still working within the rules and laws of Nature – the wind, the light, the terrain, the time of day, etc. – yet the opportunity is there to take it out to the world, where there is performance and competition for survival, exchange with peers and spectators, a chance for personal recognition, commerce and posterity.

The grand finale (whether or not of this play, it remains to be seen) is the place where this master artist hailed: Coda, Passionelle – Conclusion, Feminine Passion: Creativity – closing act of this particular little melodrama.

A most clarifying, and adamantly edifying, dream... If ever I lose sight as to where all of this inner work is for, this dream delivers the coup de grace to my fears, doubts and anxieties. The message is also unequivocal:

My wound is in the feminine, and I need to allow the masculine to come to her, and heal it.

Until then, my creativity, my true Self and humanness cannot fully manifest.

Stay tuned.